A few years ago, I had a girlfriend who couldn't stand the way normal men's colognes smelt on me. In fact, she sometimes threatened (and made good on those threats!) to stay the away from me on those days that I wore certain offending colognes. It's not like I was wearing anything cheap, either -- although I did try some 'cheap' stuff just to see if somehow she was turned on by those fragrances that uneducated sleaze balls and poor schoolboys alike wore. But, no, it didn't matter whether it was a $70 or $10 men's cologne -- the price tag in no way correlated to how much she liked or disliked the smell. Across the board, any cologne and every cologne I had in my arsenal or that I had her test at department stores generated a negative response from her - period.
One day, due to my insistence on wearing one offending cologne or another each and every day, she got fed up so much that she became a vigilante. That's right. Like someone the law had failed to protect, someone who had to protect themselves from whatever foulness threatened them in life... she took the matters into her own hands.
One morning, after I had showered in preparation to go to work, her anger led her to... uh... well, she uhh.... Well, she sprayed me with this... er... This ... 'stuff'.
It was a, uhh... a 'female' or 'female oriented' scent-type product. A feminine scent type product on a guy! Before work, no less! She left with me NO TIME at all to shower again and wash this shit off!
Now, as you might have already guessed, at the time I was none too pleased by her actions. Man, I was pissed! In my mind, she was nothing more and nothing less than a fucker. Just not any kind of fucker, either. A *mean* fucker!
I was instantly mentally confronted with all those years of being trained to be just like GI Joe. Well, roughly like GI Joe, anyhow. Would GI Joe wear some kind of motherfucking feminine scent? I think not! Why, he'd like gravel and dirt... leather and steel... sweat, and, uhh... dead fish, perhaps... You know, something manly and military. God, I don't know what that'd smell like. But he sure as hell wouldn't smell like... like... some kind of woman! Ick!!!
Now, while I was freaking out inside and outside, I must tell you... her reaction was a bit different. After she sprayed me with it, she was delighted. I smelled like a million and a half bucks to her. She even wanted me to stay home from work... presumably so she could snuggle with me, as I strangled her. While she was thinking candle light dinners, I thought about a candle light vigil. How romantic.
"Well, fuck her warped delight, I thought. DELIGHT THIS, MUTHAFUCKA!"
Worse yet, the job I had at that time was in sales. A job that requires talking to lots of different kinds of people. I was in for a day of absolute hell, I just knew it.
Really, if I had been a psychopath, I... Oh never mind.
Suffice to say that at the time, I didn't want people -- especially women -- perceiving me as some kind of drag queen. Nor did I want my mostly male co-workers joking around that I was a 'fag' for the rest of my life... or anything remotely close to that. I especially didn't want the boss to fire me because he thought I'd freak out some of our clientele. I didn't want... -- well, you get the picture. I wasn't just angry, I was also worried.
Without time to shower again, I begrudgingly went to work. She was being psychotic about me trying to cover up the scent with any other kind of cologne so, wanting to keep my anger in check, I just left. Luckily, I kept some Drakkoir Noir cologne in my car, and tried as best I could to cover up the flowery wretch with that.
But you know what? After arriving and being at work for awhile, nobody called me a fag or even implied that I had forgotten the rest of my transvestite attire. It shocked the hell out of me! I thought they were somehow being nice. 'Those bastards,' I thought, 'they're keeping it from me.'
I even asked a few coworkers what they thought I smelled like. "Normal." they'd reply. "And the cologne?" I asked. "I dunno. Fine. I really dunno. Smells good?" I kept getting typical genius-like responses like this from my male co-workers. Maybe they weren't keeping anything from me. Maybe they were just too dumb to notice otherwise. "Oh, I dunno."
And then it happened... My only female co-worker -- a fairly hot blonde, who must have been somewhere between 20 and 23 years old -- pulled me aside for a serious chat. She said that I had a particularly interesting 'scent' that day. Uh oh! I thought. She knew, she had to!
She, of all people, being of the female gender, will say that I'm wearing perfume. Oh god. Really, she had a habit of being honest with me. I really liked that about her. But not now. *gulp* This hot little dish would be misinformed about my sexual identity forever after. She'd think I was The San Francisco Treat(tm)! Ugh!!
While my life flashed before my eyes, I quickly mentally prepared. I thought to myself, 'I'll tell her that she's right... I am just a hot, sexxy lesbian trapped in a man's body'. I imagined telling her, "This is just my way of coming out! That and not shaving my armpits... I may be a lesbian, but I'm still a butch man inside, you see!" Holy shit, she'll think I'm insane.
Yet, thankfully, I never did have to explain myself. My worst fears didn't come true after all. In fact, she had pulled me aside to tell me that I must have some great 'natural pheromones'.
Natural pheromones!! Can you believe that? I have great natural pheromones??! Ha! I thought she was fucking with me -- and not in a good way!
I asked her more about these so-called 'natural pheromones' she mistakenly thought I was blessed with. She went on to tell me that I had a very unique scent. I even asked her if she had thought if I was wearing Drakkoir Noir. "No, I know what Drakkoir Noir smells like and it's not that," she responded. She added that she didn't know what it was about me exactly, but she believed that these 'natural pheromones' I was letting off especially strongly that day were responsible for getting QUITE a response from her. A very positive response deep down inside her.
I don't know about you, but I'd never had any women bring up my 'pheromones' before. So I dropped dead.
Or, rather, I just about dropped dead.
I mean, here she was... not brandishing me... but telling me how much my scent -- which she thought to be 'natural' -- was basically getting her juices flowing! That's pretty much equivalent to not just hitting on me, but hitting on me HARD. She wasn't so much fucking with me, as much as she wanted to, uhh... well, you know!
Seriously -- what frickin' planet was I on??
Suspiciously, I looked around. I was waiting... waiting to be informed that I was on Totally Hidden Camera or some other similar show. You know the type. They lie in wait to surprise you -- to trick you, and then to let you know just how badly you've been fooled -- while they capture it all on film. Those fuckers. My girlfriend had to be in on this! What a big mob of fuckers! Grrrr!
Yet as the moments marched on, there were no cameras... No two bit TV hosts to come out and tell me that it was all just some cruel plot to increase their ratings just a tad.... while decreasing my ratings as a desirable person! Nothing like that happened whatsoever. My saucy blond coworker kept talking to me while showing some surprisingly strong interest. And she kept showing interest after that day, as well.
What I once thought was a nightmare turned out to be a very pleasant dream. A dream that I wanted to relive again and again.
The old phrase 'A blessing in disguise' suddenly shot into my brain, for this event was just that! It really set me for a spin.
'Fuck Murphy's laws, these are Michael Ryan's laws!' I thought proudly. Of course! This is akin to finding gold by walking along and tripping over it, and then complaining about how sore you are for awhile before appreciating the gold -- but let's forget this little detail, shall we?
Now, getting home that night, I had forgotten what exactly I was sprayed with. My girlfriend had so many bottles and potions here and there. It felt wrong to ask her what it was -- considering how insanely angry I had been over the incident. But over time, in one way or another, I eventually found out what this 'secret' fragrance was. Like any good trooper, when at first I succeed, I try and try again! Upon trying again and again, I experienced many of the same marvelous effects. This stuff was absolutely fantastic!
Now here's the first instructional part of this secret (the story I just gave you is a secret itself, granted -- and if you tell anybody this secret, I'll frickin' kill you, ok?! You got that? That said, I know you want more than just my embarrassing story. You came here for some principles and procedures to help create some beneficial effects in your own life, and that's what you're about to get.). The first principle is that it's better to scent yourself as a member of the opposite sex wants you to smell - first and foremost. What you prefer to smell like doesn't matter nearly as much as the preferences of those you're trying to influence. It's good to do things that just make yourself happy, yes, but our noses become sensitized to however we make ourselves smell in just a few short minutes, whereas other people smell us anew throughout the entire day. Due to this fact, the whole idea of smelling good should be that we smell good to other people. So let's leave our own preferences out of it, and enjoy the effects we have on other people via the scents we wear, instead of insisting on merely enjoying our own scent ourselves.
Really, think about it -- often times the scents designed by women for women really turn them on something fierce... Something wild! That's what they're created to do. Fragrance companies design them, so that when women go into a store that sells fragrances, they'll get a whiff, become instantly turned on in one way or another, and will lay down the cash or credit to buy the stuff. The same thing that causes women to buy women's fragrances is often the same response YOU want to get from them! You want women to buy (take, whatever) what you're selling (yourself), right? Yeah! Of course you do!
For male readers, there's an easy way to put this secret into action for yourself. Most preferably, you can use a subtle feminine scent masked underneath a more manly scent. As you'll recall, I had this chick magnet fragrance masked under some Drakkoir Noir. This works and works well, yes. Less preferably, you could even wear one of the lighter, not so apparently feminine type scents alone, without any masking. When sprayed sparsely, the scent they provide, combined with your own natural manly scent, is almost unnoticeable. While experimenting, nobody has ever found out that I was doing some sex-scent-aikido. Granted, wearing such a fragrance alone didn't make me feel like more of a man, but damn... all of the positive responses I got from luscious women sure did!
Now, here's the second part of this secret. Something I bet you've been dying to discover by now. Exactly which scent was I sprayed with that allowed me to go through this whole scary yet wonderful ordeal?
I'll tell you. It's called WELK-JW%E(U3j sjlkj a00ERROR 16.
And now onto the next secret...
Just kidding. You know as well as I do that computers tend to produce errors at just the worst moments, but nope -- there are no computer errors here. Hee hee! Fooled ya!
It's called 'Flowering Herbs Body Splash' and it's from Bath and Body Works. It's a sister store to Victoria's Secret, but instead of lingerie, Bath and Body Works focuses on body care products, i.e. 'body works'. Surprisingly enough, they don't carry any baths. Deceptive, aren't they?
Now, Bath and Body Works actually produces quite a few products in the 'Flowering Herbs' line. What counts is the 'Flowering Herbs' scent, not so much that it's packaged as a 'body splash'. However, the 'body splash' is probably the most economical way to get the most scent-bang for the buck, something like 8 ounces for only $8 US. And at the rate you'll be using it, unless you really are a drag queen, this shit will last you forever and a day. If you feel guilty about the secret value you'll be getting from it, feel free to 'tip' your cashier, just to make yourself feel a little more honest. Or, hell, better yet... tip me!
So skiddadle on over to a Bath and Body Works shop sometime and pick up some of this magic stuff. Tell them it's a a gift for your 'girlfriend', even if you don't have one right now. They never need to know just how you'll be giving this gift, you see. That can be your secret.
As for the women in the audience, I'm not quite sure if this little trick can be so easily used by you. You see, as men, we barely care for the fragrances we wear. While you shop for fragrances that get you excited, men generally only buy some kind of fragrance because we 'have to'. Seriously, do you think we get excited by the leather and wood tones present in most of today's colognes? To some extent, they give us fantasies of driving up to our cabin in the woods... in our all leather accoutered larger-than-hell Sport Utility Vehicle, sure. On the other hand, while that may be exciting to us, yes, tell me... don't women themselves get us even more excited than that?
Well, fragrance manufacturers aren't about to put a woman in a bottle, and sell it as a fragrance. So your technique should be a little different.
After surveying perfume retailers, I can tell you that most men prefer oriental fragrances. That's what most men will buy for their wife or lover as a gift, as it's the kind of scent that we naturally perceive to be sexy. Women who need a boost in confidence will generally levitate towards the fruity and citrus based scents... just as an inner psychological boost for themselves. If you find that you have a hard time feeling romantic, you may want to try more flowery scents. However, if you're already pretty zesty and confident and just want to mindfuck the men you come into contact with, it'd be hard to top the oriental and oriental leaning scents. Such fragrances get us men thinking of ourselves as men, and you more as a women... someone to devour and lavish with our manliness... and less of just someone else who has a pretty face.
You might also consider layering these fragrances. A hint of citrus and oriental. Or a hint of a fruity scent, a wisp of a flowery scent, all topped off with oriental. Then you can have the best of all worlds. Just be careful not to over scent yourself. Nothing turns us guys off more than that. Older women tend to do this, by the way, because as people age, we become increasingly desensitized to the scents we're regularly exposed to. So in order to smell it just as strongly as we always have, we'll tend to apply more and more. Just avoid this tendency entirely. Instead, as you age, continue using the same number of sprays of fragrance as you always have. You'll become less desensitized to fragrances, and men will become less demagnetized towards you for overpowering them with something that, frankly, starts to smell more like concentrated poison rather than the concentrated passion you're trying to project.
I've recently found that Jaipur cologne by Boucheron is one of the few for men that includes "floral notes". Boucheron apparently recognize the same thing that I do -- that these floral notes act as a turn on for women -- as they're specifically recommended Jaipur be used as 'romantic wear'.
The world's largest discount fragrance center, FragranceNet, carries Jaipur. Click here to see what they have available.
If you try this fragrance, write me and let me know what kinds of results you get with it.
Update March 29, 2000
Some readers have written in saying that their local "Bath & Body Works" has told them that the Flowering Herbs line of products is discontinued. A call to the head office has revealed that this is untrue. Rather, not all of the stores carry it anymore. It's not particularly surprising that the average employee would mistake a product being discontinued at their store with being discontinued throughout the entire chain. After all, out of sight, out of mind.
Luckily enough, in my travels, I've found that most of the Bath & Body Works I've bothered dropping into do carry most, if not all, of the Flowering Herbs line.
Try finding alternate locations by using the online B&BW store finder.
Be aware that almost everything else you'll find off this link, aside from the store finder, is investor oriented.
Another possible solution to the shortage of the Flowering Herbs line is to call customer service at 1-800-395-1001 and place a request that they start carrying this line at the store closest to you. Companies are more responsive than ever to customer feedback these days. It is worth a call.
Update March 29, 2000
Several readers have written in to comment that the "Juniper Berry" line from Bath and Body Works has had given results similar to the ones outlined above. Yay!
Dear international readers... GI Joe was an archetypical all-American kind of 'guy', epitomized in the form of a cartoon character that appealed to kids. It's a very masculine-type character.
Also to international readers. "The San Francisco Treat" is a slogan here in the US for a brand of rice products called "Rice-A-Roni". I guess it originated in San Francisco, so whenever you see one their commercials, they sing "Rice... A... Roni! The San-Fran-Cisco TREAT!". I always had a problem with that slogan, though. You see, international readers, here in the US, San Francisco has been known as the gay Mecca for quite some time. Now it's turning into the Mecca for computer programmers -- but never mind that. The point is, for many years, if you mentioned San Francisco here in the US, it inferred a gay lifestyle. This, of course, led me to think about what the REAL San Francisco treat must be. I concluded that it was rough and raw gay anal sex. Yes, THAT, dear international, is one way to interpret what the real is the San Francisco Treat is. In the context of the secret, though, what I didn't want this little pretty blonde to think is that *I* was the San Francisco treat... Me, as a person. Personified as a person, the San Francisco treat would be, well someone who...Well, on second thought, never you mind. Hey, look, we're getting a little too deep into this, aren't we? You figure out what the hell I meant, alright? Goddamn international bastards! I mean, don't get me wrong -- you're absolutely wonderful -- but if you want to understand all of the obscure, tacky jokes, just move to America. Then understand more than you probably ever wanted to. Hehe