position = role = identity

The same touch from an impersonal doctor or someone you're attracted to will elicit very different reactions from you.

Even though you are still touching skin... even if it's in an intimate area... even if the physical movements are mechanically the same.... one will be a lot more pleasurable than the other.

Why?

Because a doctor has established a different role or position in your life than your lover has. Even an innocent touch on the shoulder will create a different emotional response in you, depending upon the role of the person doing the touching.

To be irresistible to the opposite sex, you must position yourself as -- play the role of (position = role = identity) -- a sexual being. You must establish this somehow. Otherwise, you'll be seen as an 'acquaintance' or a 'friend'. You must be established at least, as Lloyd Dobler said in 89' smash hit movie Say Anything, "a friend... a friend with potential".

Actually, he pulled this off quite nicely. When the girl he was seeing wanted to relegate him to the role of a friend... he took what she said and turned it around on her. "Alright, I'm your friend. A friend WITH POTENTIAL". And she repeated, with a bit of a giggle in her voice, "A friend with potential".

She got it. She knew exactly the role he wanted to play in her life, and she got a sense of her playing the appropriate counter role -- a role much different than that of a mere 'friend'.

In this case, the role he was playing was a heterosexual man interested in her as a heterosexual woman. The role of a mere friend, on the other hand, is almost 'gender neutral'. A mere friend doesn't make you feel like a sexual being. They don't make you feel like a man or woman. You don't actively sense what their gender means to you as much as you do with a lover. They feel like someone to share with, yes, but not quite as intimately. Usually, such relationships don't feel like they have as much 'potential', as say, a prospective love relationship would -- there's simply far more that you could share in love, than you could in friendship.

Playing the proper role is very, very important... especially when a relationship is young -- when a role hasn't yet solidified. It's critical to make your position or your potential position known early on, so when your role sets, it sets as what you want it to be!

For instance, in the beginning of all relationships I've had... if I've made comments based on interest in a deeper or even merely sexual relationship... I've been able to easily segue myself from acquaintance to lover or significant other.

In those cases whereby I give no hint of myself as a potential 'man' in a women's life, it's been akin to pulling teeth to get that women interested in me at a later date. (Likewise, for many friends who've later become interested in me.. it's like they had to pull my teeth to get me interested)

Again, if there's any hint that I may be interested in a women when I first meet her... I stir up some kind of interest within her -- I give some hint of my potential role, and hers. Even if one of us decides to get together with the other one years down the line... it'll be possible if we had previously created a spark of potential identity. If we hadn't, there'll be little chance of integrating anything deeper into the relationship.

Remember, plant the seed of your identity or potential identity early on. It's at the start of the relationship that the soil is ripe for bearing this fruit. Changing positions is very difficult once they've become established.

For example, take relationships you've had with family or long lasting friends. Do you remember ever making some drastic changes in your life, and then having someone you've had a long standing relationship with you, say "What are you doing? That's not you!"... or "That's not the (your name here) I know", or "Where's (your name here)? You're not being yourself.") But, of course you're being yourself! You're yourself all the time! However, their version of you -- the one that they keep in their heads -- is still set in the past. And oftentimes, for reasons that befuddle me to this day, that ideal won't change except with the most flexible and accepting of friends and family. Most people, when they get set in their ways, get set in their ways HARD.

Similarly, think of a lover you've had that has gone away... and then come back, even if only for a brief fling. Somehow, because you've played the position of lovers before, it's easy to play it again. Almost too easy. That's why ex-lovers tend to try to stay away from each other. If they don't keep physical distance, they know -- unconsciously or consciously -- that it's all too easy to fall into their past roles.

THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Watch out for being 'pegged' early on in a relationship.

"You remind me of this guy named Harry I used to know."

"Oh, who was he?"

"Just some guy my brother used to know. He was pretty funny. He always wanted me, but he wasn't my type."

Well, god! What a horrible person to be reminded of. Similarly, if you remind someone of say, a brother, that's not such a perfect scenario either (unless this particularly person tends to be a little incestuous.)

Curiously enough, reminding someone of their dad is usually a plus. Many women who've had good relationships with their fathers will tend to look for others who share their father's qualities when considering marriage. After all, they grew up observing the traits of a man they really admire in a relationship with their mother -- it's the most data in their life they have to go on regarding this particular position.

If you find yourself pegged in an unfavorable position, try to un-position yourself early on. "No, heh...I might have done a thing or two which seems like your brother, but really, while I'm (speaking with a bit of a laugh in your voice) probably a great guy just like he is, hehe, (normal voice tone now) I'm probably very different from him, as well. I think I have many new and exciting things to offer you. (downward deflection at the end here)."

Nip any negative pegging in the bud. Period.

POSITIONING YOURSELF CORRECTLY

You can also feed positive pegging... like getting them to think of you just like their high school sweetheart, the one they simply can't believe to this day that they let go.

First, they'd have to bring this sweetheart up in conversation, or you'd have to get them to think about this ex-special someone.

"Have you ever known someone so...you know...special, that you just can't believe you let them slip away?"

Then, after they recall some fond memories of this special someone, you'd say something like:

"Oh? He sounds very interesting. You know, as you were talking about him, I couldn't help but be reminded how similar I am to him/her. Just like him/her, I also do (this, that and this). Spooky, huh?"

Be honest about your similarities, if any. In relationships (as with anything) the path to hell is paved with lies. Likewise, and more importantly, the path to heaven is paved with honesty.

BE FIRST IN SOMETHING

You also need to position yourself as the first person who is unique in some area of their lives. People, for example, will always remember the first things they've experienced in certain 'categories' in their heads. They will remember the second, third, and fourth things in a category with much less affinity and interest, if at all.

For example, who was your first kiss with?

Who was the first person you made love with -- the person you lost your virginity to?

You can remember these 'firsts' pretty well, can't you?

Now, how about the second and third kisses? And the second and third lovers you've had? How bright are these memories compared to your 'firsts'? Unless these seconds and thirds were somehow exceedingly unique in their own way, your 'firsts' are a lot brighter, aren't they?

And if a second or third is brighter, then in what way was that experience (or that person) extra special? Which unique 'category' were they FIRST in?

I hope this little exercise demonstrates why you need to be first in something, somehow... so you're not just like Todd or Lisa or 'some guy I used to know.' You are YOU.... and you establish your unique identity with your actions, so giving them something special to remember you by will help you stand out in their thoughts.

Hammer home some of your unique and wonderful distinctions from people they've known. Drill through them. "Ever know someone who (does or has) (this or that), like me?"

When they say "No", remember what this thing is, and remind them of it every now and then.

"You know... I still can't get over how I'm one of the first men you've ever dated that's gainfully employed. That's just incredible!"