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CINDERELLA'S BALL
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 4th July 2009
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

"Cough, gag, choke...."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis


BOYZ-2-MEN
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 3rd July 2009
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??

A: He thought it was a delivery service.


NEW LAWYER
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 3rd July 2009
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."


BAD NEWS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 3rd July 2009
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.

"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.

"You're not sterile."


NEW SECRETARY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 3rd July 2009
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"


DRINK, DANCE AND ...
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 2nd July 2009
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"

Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"


EFFICIENCY EXPERT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 2nd July 2009
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."


LESBIAN OPERATION.
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 2nd July 2009
What is a lesbians common operation called?. A Strapadicktome.


CELEBRATE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 2nd July 2009
If lovers celebrate Valentine's day what do MP's celebrate?

Palm Sunday!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman


SELF HELP GROUPS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 1st July 2009
How can there be self-help "groups"?


STEVEN WRIGHT 13
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 1st July 2009
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.


25 CENTS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 1st July 2009
You're all bruised. What happened?

I called my girl friend a two-bit whore and she hit me with a bag of quarters.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent


BAD SEX ED GRADE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 1st July 2009
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. We’ll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"


HEEL!
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 30th June 2009
A Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a
dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws
with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal,
and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of
their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called in the dog and showed
off a little.

The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was
able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped
the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called
the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.


PLAYING MAGIC
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 30th June 2009
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “Want to play Magic?”

She says, “What’s that?”

He says, “We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear.”

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo


RED NECK ON THE JURY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 30th June 2009
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get
the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck
was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He
told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could
convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to
manslaughter.


The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict
of manslaughter.


After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house,
told him what a great job he had done and paid him the
$10,000.


The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the
rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They
all wanted to let him go.




BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 58
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 30th June 2009
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.

Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Go where the money is.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.

Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Great minds run in great circles.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.


GOING SKIING
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 29th June 2009
It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.

When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick all night."

The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick too."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."


LAYED OFF
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 29th June 2009
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?


ANGEL
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 29th June 2009
Two mates were in a pub discussing the merits of their girlfriends.

The first guy says, very proudly "My girlfriend is an angel"

The second guy retorts "You're lucky mate, mine's still alive!"

Submitted by Calamjo


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 07
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 28th June 2009
You might be a redneck if...

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.


YOUR MOMMAS SO POOR
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 28th June 2009
Your Mommmas so poor that when some kid stole her skate board she said "Hey who took the family car?"


TOAST
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 28th June 2009
There was a boy who wasn't developing very well in his "downstairs department".

So his mum took him to the doctor to get him examined and see if there was anything the doctor could do.

"Well there isn't much wrong" said the doctor, "but if you feed him lots of toast, it should soon rectify itself".

So the next day, the boy comes home from school and there is a massive pile of toast on the table, about 30 pieces high.

"Awwww mum, is that all for me?" said the boy.

"No, the top two slices are for you, the rest is for your dad!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Tantilazing and Curtis


BLONDES AT A BAR
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 27th June 2009
Two blondes walk in to a bar one blonde ducks becase she saw a pole .what does the next blonde do ? Answer:she walked on to the pole


BLONDE - FREEZER
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 27th June 2009
Q: What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

A: A "frosted
flake"




 

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