UltraPasswords.com - Dirty Jokes Archive

The UltraPasswords.com Jokes Section

Category: Blonde Jokes
Monday 3rd January 2011

COOKIE THE CAT'S RESOLUTIONS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 1st January 2011
5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in – and visa versa.

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

MINISKIRT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 1st January 2011
Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

Because their balls hang out!

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

BLONDE AT THE SUPERM
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

TRAVIS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
Q:what do travis and PS2 have in common?

A:they are both plastic and attract little kids.

$5 FOR A PENGUIN
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

MODERN SCIENCE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could
help to prevent herpes...

.. Must be a rubber tree...

DOCTORS V. GUN OWNERS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 30th December 2010
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!

BLONDE ON A PLANE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 30th December 2010
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.

She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.

The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach."

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.

The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.

All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.

The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?"

The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

BUCKWHEAT & DARLA
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 30th December 2010
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

LAWYERS CAN'T ADD
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 30th December 2010
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

BLONDES NEVER HAVE ICE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

A: They forgot the recipe.

MONEY GRAM
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Once there was this guy from Texas who took a vacation to Los Angeles. While there, he met up with a hooker.

He got down & dirty with her.

Afterwards, the hooker said: "$100 dollars."

The guy said: "No, here is $200."

Hooker responded: "You're so kind."

Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same hooker again and had sex again.

Hooker asked for $100, but the guy again says: "No, here's $200."

Hooker says: "You're so kind."

More days pass, and the guy met up with the hooker one last time to have sex.

Hooker says: "$100, please."

The guy slaps her and hands her $200.

Hooker says: "Man, you're so kind. Where are you from?"

Guy says: "I'm from Texas."

The hooker says: "I am from there too."

The guy says: "I know, your mom sent me to give you $600."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

EARMUFFS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Why do blondes wear earmuffs?

To avoid the draft.

WHY DO YOU WEAR YOUR COLLAR THAT WAY?
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 28th December 2010
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down
next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a
strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest
before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have
your shirt collar on
backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I
wear this collar because I am a Father."

The Jewish man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also
a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear
your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the
father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered "I too am the father of
many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many
grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone
else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and
then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and
hundreds of people."

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long
time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over
to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your
pants backwards."

KIDNAPPING
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 28th December 2010
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.

"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

BEST FEATURE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 28th December 2010
Ryan rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Ryan breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I can hear someone coming."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag and they're 100% natural! My buns -- they are firm and do not sag and have no cellulite! Look at this skin -- no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming -- that was me."

AN AMAZING TALKING DOG
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 28th December 2010
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

BRIGHT IDEA
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 27th December 2010
On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.

The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.

Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."

Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."

Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"

"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.

"My Daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"

"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"

CLEANER UNHAPPY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 27th December 2010
Why was the cleaner unhappy with his job?

Because he believed that grime didn't pay!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

BACK UP BOYS!
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 27th December 2010
Once there was a sperm named Bob.

When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.

One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there."

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't.

So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing

YOU SEEN YOUR WIFE?
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 26th December 2010
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied.

"That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

CLINTON'S FAVORITE ROCK BAND
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 26th December 2010
Q: What is Clinton's favorite rock band?

A: Cheap Trick.

UNION SHOP
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 25th December 2010
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

DOCTOR VISIT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 25th December 2010
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone,
entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an
examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take
your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your
tongue."

Also, check out our funny Dirty Cartoons sections:
Lusty Laughs, Sexy Toons, Fucking Funny, Crazy Comics.

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