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TWO TROUBLE MAKERS Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 2nd September 2010 A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!" |
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MISSIONARY SOUP Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 1st September 2010 Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup!" |
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JONAH'S FATE Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 1st September 2010 A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!" |
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IRISH GIRL Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 1st September 2010 The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." |
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ACTIVISTS Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 31st August 2010 People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. Submitted by Curtis Edited by Glaci |
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GOD'S NEW COMMANDMENT Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 31st August 2010 NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT! During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff." |
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APPLE A DAY Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 31st August 2010 An apple a day keeps the doctor away, BUT... an onion a day keeps everyone away. Submitted by Clark Kent Edited by Curtis |
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PRETTY BAD NEWS Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 31st August 2010 Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday. |
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JESUS AT THE PEARLY GATES Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 30th August 2010 St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
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CORRECTION Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 30th August 2010 Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them. Submitted by calamjo Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing |
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THOUGHTS AND QUOTES Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 30th August 2010 The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson. Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life. Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it. |
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THE HELPFUL PRIEST Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 29th August 2010 A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
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BAD ADVICE 2 Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 29th August 2010 Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?" "No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..." |
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20 TRUTHS ABOUT MEN Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 29th August 2010 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. 16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. 17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee. 18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. 19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman. 20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's. |
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LAWYERS VISIT Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 28th August 2010 A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped out of his Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he cried "my god I'm melting!"
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BEST FRIENDS Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 28th August 2010 After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs." On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs." On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part." |
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12 INCH PRICK Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 28th August 2010 Another guy walks into a bar with a one foot man sitting on his shoulder. He ordered a beer. The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lept off his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap. The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky. As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts face and smashed the shot glass against the wall. "I have to know.... where did you get that guy?" "Well... I'll tell you... I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed it, and a geenie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve inch prick and this is what I got..." |
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WHERE DOES A CHICKEN GO WHEN IT LOSES ALL OF ITS FEATHERS? Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 27th August 2010 Q: Where does a chicken go when it loses all of its feathers? A: To the retail store. |
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YAHOO Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 27th August 2010 An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town. She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes, the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off. “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service-station attendant asks. “Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” “Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.” Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo |
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BLONDE WITH 2 HORSES Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 26th August 2010 A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse! |
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CAMEL IN DESERT Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 26th August 2010 There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?" |
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SWIM Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 26th August 2010 What do you do if an elephant comes in your window? Swim! Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo |
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AL GORE - EXPLAINED Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 25th August 2010 On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. |
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GREAT JOB Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 25th August 2010 A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday." |
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TWICE Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 25th August 2010 Q: What is the similarity between lightning and a violist's fingers? A: They both never strike the same place twice. Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Yisman |
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