UltraPasswords.com - Dirty Jokes Archive

The UltraPasswords.com Jokes Section

THE AUTOMATED DOCTOR
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 30th August 2011
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.

CAT AND RABBIT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 30th August 2011
What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?

A pussy hare.

IRISH BLONDE LADY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 30th August 2011
An irish blonde lady went to the doctor, complaining that the Pill kept falling off.

THE WIFE & THE MAILMAN
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 29th August 2011
It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A
woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in.
Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed
to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.
The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well,
while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,
honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?"
and he replied, "fuck the mailman, give him a dollar!"

WHAT TO DO IN A CRISIS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 29th August 2011
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde
waitress walks
in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the
middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg
was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my
training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from
fainting!"

SWEET AS CANDY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 29th August 2011
One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor.

So he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix.

He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy.

It made her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore.

This is Wonderbar!

He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a MilkyWay.

She screamed "Oh Henry", as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M's.

Miss Hershey said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".

To which Mr. Goodbar replied, "When you're this big they call you Mr. Big".

Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.

THE BAR!
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 29th August 2011
Man walks into a bar.

Ouch!

BACK PROBLEMS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 28th August 2011
A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time.

Like when he's on trial for child molestation. --Jay Leno

SAMWHICH
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 28th August 2011
A HAM AND CHEESE SAMWHICH WALKS IN A BAR A GOS UP TO THE BAR TENDER AND ASKS FOR A DRINK AND THE BAR TENDER SAYS SORRY WE DONT SEVIRE FOOD.

THE CRASHING PLANE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 28th August 2011
An Englishman, an American, a German and a Jew are on a
plane. The plane has too many people on it and it's beginning
to sink.

The Englishman says, "This is for you Tony Blair" and jumps
off.

The American says, "This is for you Bill Clinton" and jumps
off.

Then the German says "This is for you Hitler" and throws the
Jew off the plane.

TAKING IT WITH YOU
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 27th August 2011
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

MARRIAGE QUOTES 11
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 27th August 2011
My other wife is beautiful.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al Bundy

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

FAT CAT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 27th August 2011
What do you call a cat who's swallowed a duck?

A duck-filled fatty puss!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

SEX
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 26th August 2011
A fellow decides to take off from work early to go see his gilfriend but his wife didn't know he had a girlfriend. He had sex with his girlfriend and then he went home to go have sex with his wife she was crazy over him.

RABBIT FOOD
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 26th August 2011
A rabbit walks into a pub, and orders a cheese and ham toasted sandwich.

He wolfs this down, and follows it with a carrot toasted sandwich, and finally a ham and onion toasted sandwich.

Finally stuffed full, he wanders out into the night, burping.

The next day, the Landlord sees the rabbit again, wearing dark glasses and looking very much the worse for wear.

"Wow!" He says, "What on earth happened to you?"

"Mixing my toasties" the rabbit muttered.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤

4 KINDS OF ORGASM
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 25th August 2011
There are four kinds of orgasm: positive, negative, religious and fake.

The positive goes, "Yes, yes, yes ,yes!"

The negative goes, "No, no, no, no!"

The religious goes, "Oh God, God, God, God!"

And the fake goes, "..., ..., ..., ...! (Fill in the name of your lover in the blank spaces.)

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Category: Blonde Jokes
Monday 3rd January 2011

COOKIE THE CAT'S RESOLUTIONS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 1st January 2011
5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in – and visa versa.

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

MINISKIRT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 1st January 2011
Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

Because their balls hang out!

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

BLONDE AT THE SUPERM
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

TRAVIS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
Q:what do travis and PS2 have in common?

A:they are both plastic and attract little kids.

$5 FOR A PENGUIN
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

MODERN SCIENCE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 31st December 2010
Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could
help to prevent herpes...

.. Must be a rubber tree...

DOCTORS V. GUN OWNERS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 30th December 2010
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!

BLONDE ON A PLANE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 30th December 2010
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.

She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.

The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach."

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.

The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.

All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.

The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?"

The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

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