UltraPasswords.com - Dirty Jokes Archive

The UltraPasswords.com Jokes Section

Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 2nd July 2008

Put The Cat Out
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 2nd July 2008
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

SENIOR SEX GUIDE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 2nd July 2008
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

PEE HUMOR
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 2nd July 2008
A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

COCKTAIL WOMAN
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 2nd July 2008

SKI TRIP
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 2nd July 2008
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

TERMS FOR FEMALE MASTURBATION
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 2nd July 2008

DEEP THOUGHTS 08
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 1st July 2008
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

WHAT'S YOUR WIFE'S NAME?
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 30th June 2008
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

10 THINGS NOT TO SAY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 30th June 2008
Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents.

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

BUSH RUNNING MATE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 30th June 2008
Bush and His Running Mate

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."

Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.

AIRPLANE TROUBLE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 30th June 2008
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

FLAT CHEST
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 29th June 2008
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA
bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had
become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the
sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have
anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you
tried Clearasil?"

CONFESSION BOOTH
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 29th June 2008
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

PUKEING DRUNK
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 29th June 2008
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shit in my pants too."

THE WHOLE TRUTH
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 29th June 2008
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Tommy decided to go home and try it
out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just
don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly
handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a
word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened
his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a
big hug."

SHOOT IT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 28th June 2008
How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?

If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!

LAWYER QUICKIES 5
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 28th June 2008
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
A: You can learn to respect a pig.

Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

THE SAME OLD QUESTIO
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 28th June 2008
The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.

"Of course you are!" she said.

"And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

A LIST OF REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 28th June 2008
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

FATTY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 27th June 2008

yo mamma's so fat that every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

MISPLACED HAND
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 27th June 2008
I often get into trouble because I misplace things.

Like the last time I was in a bar, I got a black eye because I misplaced my hand on a girl's knee.

BLONDE CARPENTERS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 27th June 2008
Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. One blonde
was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch,
look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed
to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde noticed what she was doing and yelled up,
"Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail
pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's
pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde got really excited and called her all
kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails
that are pointed toward you! They for the other side of the
house!"

ROVER
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 27th June 2008
How does an idiot call for his dog?

He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts "Rover!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

FORMAL WEDDING
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 26th June 2008
Description of a formal redneck wedding.

The bride's father carries a white shotgun, her brothers, uncles, neighbors and former lovers wear clean jeans and flannel shirts, polish their boots, remove their "hats" (caps)during the ceremony, spit out their tobacco or snuff, and fill up the tank of the groom's "pick-em-up" truck, after removing the "I love My Truck" bumper sticker.

Also, check out our funny Dirty Cartoons sections:
Lusty Laughs, Sexy Toons, Fucking Funny, Crazy Comics.

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