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OFF THE TOILET WALL Category: Dirty Jokes Tuesday 9th February 2010 Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world: Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. - Women's toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware. The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. - Women's toilet, Champaign, Illinois. Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina. I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? - The Irish Times, Washington DC. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. - Baton Rouge, Louisiana. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. - Tucson, Arizona. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. - Men's toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina. A Women's Rule of Thumb - if it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's toilet, Dallas, Texas. Jesus Saves, but wouldn't it be better if he had invested? - Men's toilet, American University, Washington DC. Express Lane: Five beers or less. - Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona. You're too good for him. - Sign over mirror in women's toilet, Beverly Hills, California. No wonder you always go home alone. - Sign over mirror in men's toilet, Beverly Hills, California. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Armand's Pizza, Washington DC. To do is to be - Descartes To be is to do - Sartre Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra - Men's toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona. Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married! - Women's toilet, Bozeman, Montana. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, New York. |
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RUDOLPH'S MEDICAL BILL Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 8th February 2010 Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN." |
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FEELING SICK Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 8th February 2010 A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?" "Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train." "Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?" "I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there." |
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TIRED SPERM Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 8th February 2010 Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?" The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet." Submitted by curtis Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and hottrouble1 |
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TO MUCH TESTOSTERONE Category: Dirty Jokes Monday 8th February 2010 A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." |
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WOW! BIG BOX Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 7th February 2010 A lady was laying on the doctor's table, waiting for her annual pap test. The doctor came in, and as he was preparing himself, she mentioned that she had 6 kids. He said "Yeah, I can tell....You have the biggest box I have ever seen". She was offended as hell, and after she got home, she went into the bathroom, and took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look for herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her. He asked her what she was doing. She said "I am doing my exercizes. He said " Well, be careful. Don't fall into that f*cking hole" |
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100 POUND PIG Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 7th February 2010 Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman". |
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LOCH NESS MONSTER AND THE ATHEIST Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 7th February 2010 An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!" "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also. "God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ." |
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HOW MANY WOMEN Category: Dirty Jokes Sunday 7th February 2010 After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.." |
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SUBWAY PARTY Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 6th February 2010 Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!" |
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DAD IS RICH Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 6th February 2010 An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!" Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Curtis |
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HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 6th February 2010 A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores." |
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YO MOMMA'S SO STUPID Category: Dirty Jokes Saturday 6th February 2010 Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot. Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese." Yo momma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out. Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's. Yo momma's so stupid, when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train. Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a solar powered flashlight. Yo momma's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read. Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17" sign, she went home and got 16 friends. Yo momma's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved. Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job. Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you what the number for 911 was. Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Doggy Dogg's holiday album. Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home. Yo momma's so stupid, I saw her standing on an empty bus. Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells are on the endangered species list. Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells die alone. Yo momma's so stupid, it take her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg. Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a half hour to make minute rice. Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus. Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the $1.00 store. Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for help to use hamburger helper. Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you what is the number for 911. Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma's so stupid, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma's so stupid, she called a 7-11 to ask when they closed! Yo momma's so stupid, she called the cocaine hot line to order some. Yo momma's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo momma's so stupid, she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma's so stupid, she couldn't read an audio book. Yo momma's so stupid, she gets lost in thought. Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged. Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in Food Mart and half starved. Yo momma's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shootout. Yo momma's so stupid, she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours. Yo momma's so stupid, she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl. Yo momma's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma's so stupid, she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken! Yo momma's so stupid, she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed. Yo momma's so stupid, she saw a sign that said Wet Floor so she did! Yo momma's so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch! Yo momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma's so stupid, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma's so stupid, she stole free bread. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet! Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Lionel Riche was a kid with trians. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought O.J. Simpson some kind of fruit juice. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was where to pay a phone bill. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a hot meal is stolen food. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund! Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was change. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought gangrene was another golf course. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought manual labor was a Mexican! Yo momma's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the stereo. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul Train. Yo momma's so stupid, she thought socialism means partying! Yo momma's so stupid, she thought softball was a venereal disease! Yo momma's so stupid, she took a job cutting grass offshore. Yo momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma's so stupid, she took a shower and got brain-washed. Yo momma's so stupid, she took a spoon to the super bowl. Yo momma's so stupid, she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide and jumped off the curb. Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone. Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone! Yo momma's so stupid, she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes. Yo momma's so stupid, she went swimming to a car pool. Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel. Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves. Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo momma's so stupid, she wrote `M, F, sometimes Wed' under "SEX?" Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw a sign that said Wet Floor she did! |
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SEXUAL HARASSMENT Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 5th February 2010 There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women. This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work. |
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CATCH HER EYE Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 5th February 2010 A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her. Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. 'Oh my God, I am sooo sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. 'You know you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies, 'you just happened to catch my eye.' |
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CLINTONMOBILE Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 5th February 2010 Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year. |
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WHAT'S ON YOUR BACK? Category: Dirty Jokes Friday 5th February 2010 Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican." |
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ROBERT SCHMIDT 02 Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 4th February 2010 My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. The sky is falling. The sun is rising. The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards. The sky already fell. Now what? The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented? I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? |
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NOT SWEET? Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 4th February 2010 In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young blonde raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat." Submitted by Curtis EDited by Yisman |
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PEANUT IN THE EAR Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 4th February 2010 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!" |
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A BLONDE GUY! Category: Dirty Jokes Thursday 4th February 2010 A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and in a demanding and angry voice says, "Okay now, tell me. Who's the other father?" |
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THE BLIND MAN IS HERE Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 3rd February 2010 A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?" And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man." So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind. She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds." |
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WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 3rd February 2010 Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve. |
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I CAN'T FIND THE CAUSE OF YOUR PAIN Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 3rd February 2010 As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober" |
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ONE LESS LAWYER Category: Dirty Jokes Wednesday 3rd February 2010 An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ." |
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