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THE POWER OF BRANDIN Wednesday 9th May 2007 You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?" That's direct marketing. You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?" That's advertising. You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?" Now........that's The Power of Branding! |
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SLOT MACHINE Tuesday 8th May 2007 The old maid walked into the butcher shop and ordered a salami. The butcher put it on the machine and began slicing. The old maid yelled, "Hey, what do you think I am, a slot machine?" Submitted by Curtis Edited by yisman |
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FLIP A COIN Monday 7th May 2007 After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, she asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position." Submitted by Curtis Edited by yisman |
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STUPID Monday 7th May 2007 A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid." |
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TUNA Sunday 6th May 2007 What has four legs and smells like tuna? Bill Clinton's Desk |
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AIDS OR ALZHEIMER’ Friday 4th May 2007 A doctor called up a fellow and said, "Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently." The guy says, "Yes, that's right. Is there anything wrong?" "Well," the doctor replies, "here's the thing. There's another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s." "Oh, my God," the man said, "what will I do, doc?" "Well, I've been giving this some thought," said the doctor, "and here's what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast. "Then what?" says the distraught man. "Well...if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON'T FUCK HER!" |
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HOW MANY CALORIES DO WE BURN DURING SEX Wednesday 2nd May 2007 The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual. EXAMPLES: 1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake. 25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms. 53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries. 53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned) ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268 MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100 SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5 If you are rich (credit card): 15 If you are poor: 200 INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4 Casually rummaging around: 7 Seriously rummaging around: 42 REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent: 12 Without partner's consent: 187 Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418 AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner's ear: 15 Blowing in your own ear: 2,512 DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed Partner looks better with clothes on: 10 Partner wears corrective underwear: 15 Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100 You don't mind: 0.25 Partner wearing elevated socks: 50 DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4 Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18 Completely missing: 126 POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26 German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48 English (woman on top; man hiding): 15 American (both on top): 1,243 AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36 Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612 Sneezing (during intercourse): 7 Sneezing (during orgasm): 588 ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5 Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72 Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1 Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17 Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133 Calling your partner the wrong name: 50 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15 Expression didn't change: 0.5 Room turned purple: 4 Face turned purple: 78 Earth moved: 30 If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588 Moaning in Turkish: 506 THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX "I am so grateful": 15 "It must have been something we ate": 15 "Was it good for you?": 15 "Are you finished?": 15 TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5 If man is not: 563 ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18 During sex: 546 While parking car: 212 SLEEP Real: 5 Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74 TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5 In a sink: 150 In a jacuzzi: 15,269 MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction) KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows: December 1st: Sex with Harold Explaining how: 12 Suggesting something different: 3 Calming terrified Harold: 40 Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8 Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56 Intercourse (standing position): 22 Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10 Intercourse (urging him on): 5 Orgasm: not sure Thanking Harold: 3 Waving bye-bye: 1 Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting) Total calories burned: 160 |
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GERIATRIC VIAGRA Tuesday 1st May 2007 An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes." |
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DIFFICUILT TO SAY Monday 30th April 2007 Difficult words to say when you are sober...... * Innovative * Preliminary * Proliferation Impossible words to say when you are drunk..... * Thanks, but I don't want sex * No, I don't want another drink * No Kebab for me, thank you * Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me * Good evening Officer Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Curtis |
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YOU'VE HAD IT Sunday 29th April 2007 An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?" "Ain't this where you always got forty five girls ready 'n' able?" The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?" "I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid." "How old are you, Pop?" she asked. "92" he replied. "92? Pop, you've had it." "Oh." said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?" Submitted by Curtis Edited by calamjo |
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GIFT WRAPPING Saturday 28th April 2007 While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight." "Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?" "That wouldn't make much sense," said Little Johnny. "They ARE the gift wrapping." |
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FIRST VISIT Friday 27th April 2007 The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby. |
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MY DICK IS SOOOO BIG Friday 27th April 2007 There are many ways to describe just how well endowed you are, for example... My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma! My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime. My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman. My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company. My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls. My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school. My dick has an elevator and a lobby. My dick has better credit than I do. My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I c um. My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick. My dick is so big, it has casters. My dick is so big, I'm already fu cking a girl tomorrow. My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor. My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick. My dick is so big, it lives next door. My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third. My dick is so big, it votes. My dick is a better dresser than I am. My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal. My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures. My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run. My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob. No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first. My dick takes longer lunches than I do. My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee. My dick was once the ambassador to China. My dick is so big, it's gone condo. My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than himself. My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler. It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet. My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a h ard-on and killing myself. My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper. My dick is so big, it has feet. My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it. My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to j ack me off. My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days. My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms. My dick is so big, it has investors. My dick is so big, it seats six. My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a co ck ring. My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole. My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake. My dick is so big, it has an opening act. My dick is so big I can fu ck an elevator shaft. My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box. My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings. My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through. My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse. My dick is so big, it only plays arenas. If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am. My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie. My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light. My dick is so big, Trump owns it. My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us. My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row. My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick. My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder. My dick is so big, it only does one show a night. My dick is so big, you can ski down it. My dick is so big, it has elbows. My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly. My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer. My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks. My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome. My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty. My dick is so big, it's against the law to fu ck me without protective headgear. My dick is so big, I could fu ck a tuba. My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it. My dick is so big, it has its own gravity NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick. My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite. The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars. My dick is so big, it has a spine. My dick is so big, it has a basement. My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick. My dick is more muscular than I am. My dick is so big it has cable. My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws. My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar. My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line. My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a bl ow job in Tennessee. My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free. My dick is so big, I can braid it. My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls. My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag. My dick is so big, I can sit on it. My dick is so big, it can chew gum. My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds. My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches. My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement. My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it. My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck. My dick is so big, you're standing on it. My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it. My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president. My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph. My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick. My dick is so big, it's right behind you. |
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THE CAT AND THE SAUS Thursday 26th April 2007 One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it. The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it. The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in. The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy! |
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ELEPHANT Tuesday 24th April 2007 What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off and say you're sorry. Submitted by Curtis Edited by calamjo |
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WHAT'S THE DIFFE Monday 23rd April 2007 What's the difference between a nymphomaniac, a hooker and a wife ? The nympho says "You're done already?" The hooker says "Are you done yet?" And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." |
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DON'T LIE TO MOM Sunday 22nd April 2007 John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom." Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother. |
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MAGIC Sunday 22nd April 2007 One day Belinda was walking down the road when she saw a yellow frog crying. She asked him, "What is wrong?" He said, "I just want to be green like the other frogs." So she did some magic and he turned green, but when he looked down his dick was still yellow. She said that she couldn't do any more magic and he'd have to go see the Wizard. As she kept going, she saw a pink elephant that was crying. She asked him, "What is wrong?" "He said, "I want to be gray." So she did some magic and turned him gray. When he looked down his dick was still pink so she told him to go see the Wizard. He asked, "How do you get there?" She said, "Follow the yellow dick toad. Follow the yellow dick toad." Submitted by Glaci Edited by Curtis |
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BIG STUFF Saturday 21st April 2007 there was a girl who had the most sexy dick and tits there was a guy who had the most sexy dick and they got married naked showing there big stuff and there babys had big stuff 2 |
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ONCE A COWBOY Saturday 21st April 2007 An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.' He then asked her what she was. She replied, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.' A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' |
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PARROT Friday 20th April 2007 A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy." The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts." The guy says, "He did??" The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?" The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Yisman |
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KEEP PUMPING Wednesday 18th April 2007 Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike? You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere. |
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SPECIMEN CUP Monday 16th April 2007 There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. |
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SHIT Sunday 15th April 2007 A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink. A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink. The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that." The big guy punches him in the mouth. |
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ARMY SGT Sunday 15th April 2007 An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells, "God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!!!" |
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TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: Sunday 15th April 2007 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good |
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QUESTION: Sunday 15th April 2007 What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out? ANSWER: Bubblegum! |
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CAN'T WE JUST MAKE HIS LEGS LONGER? Sunday 15th April 2007 There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems. The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?" |
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WHEN I GET BIG, FAT, AND JUICY.. Sunday 15th April 2007 There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!." |
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BUMBLE CLOCK Sunday 15th April 2007 THERE WAS THIS JAMACAN MAN NAMED TIMO WHO WAS VERY BORED WITH HIS WIFE.ONE DAY SHE ASKED HIM "TIMO MAKE YA DINNER"TIMO SAID NO U DOIT. SO SHE SAID OK ILL DO IT BUT THE LAST TIME. THE NEXT DAY SHE SAY"TIMO MAKE YA BREAKFAST"TIMO SAID NO U DO IT.SO SHE SAID OK ILL DOIT BUT THE LAST TIME.THE NEXT DAY SHE ASKED TIMO"TIMO MAKE ME LOVE"TIMO SAID NO U DO IT.THEN HIS WIFE PAUSED AND SAID "TIMO ME MAKE YOUR BREAKFAST ME MAKE YOUR DINER ME NOT MAING A DILDO. |
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THREE GUYS Sunday 15th April 2007 there were three guys by a cliff and whatever they wished for it would come true. so, the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes to be a bird and fly home. The second guy wishes to turn into a dolphin and swim home. finally the third guy tripped over a rock and fell off the cliff and he said "oh,crap"............ He turns into poop |
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SHUT-UP Sunday 15th April 2007 there were two people named Shutup and Troble. they played hide and go seek, Troble was hiding when a police came and asked "whats your name"."shutup" "whats your name" "shutup" "are you looking for trouble"!"yes." |
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YOUR MAMA Sunday 15th April 2007 your mama ate me you know why because i was looking good |
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JUST A BLOW JOB Sunday 15th April 2007 The couple gets to the girlfriend's house after going out when they're at the front door the boyfriend asked the girlfriend: "Before you go in , why don't you give me a blow job?" She says: "what? Are u out of your mind?" "just a blow job , one really quick , come on baby" "are you crazy , what happens if somebody see us" " oh come on .. Just lick the head then , please baby" "I already said no … so quit asking for it" "I know you like to do it , so just do it please baby , I'm going to explode is just a blow job" "I said no , ok?" "come on , don't be like that, just a blow job" In that moment the sister shows up at the front door wearing pijamas looking all sleepy and with her hair all crazy and says: "My dad says that you need to give your boyfriend a blow job , if you don't want to, I'll do it , if not , he said that he will come downstairs and he'll give him the blow job , but please "ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE SPEAKER AND LET US FUCKING SLEEP" |
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I MUST TELL Sunday 15th April 2007 After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong," the alarmed mother asked? "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?" |
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CAT Sunday 15th April 2007 "I can't believe how boring my life has become." "What do you mean?" "The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my cat I'm getting his food ready!" |
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FLAT CHEST Sunday 15th April 2007 A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?" |
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THE WHOLE TRUTH Sunday 15th April 2007 At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!" Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug." |
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TAKING THE EDGE OFF Sunday 15th April 2007 A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!" |
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DOCTOR - AFFAIR - MEATBALLS Sunday 15th April 2007 A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'" |
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HOTEL LOBBY Sunday 15th April 2007 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." |
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CAMEL IN DESERT Sunday 15th April 2007 There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?" |
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I NEED A SEE SAW Sunday 15th April 2007 There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." |
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FIVE ADULT ONE LINERS Sunday 15th April 2007 What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob! What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches. What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? Sticks it in Olive Oyl. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged! |
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SUDDEN WIND STORM Sunday 15th April 2007 A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm. She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see. The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?" "Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!" |
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6 REASONS Sunday 15th April 2007 6 resons why it's bad to be a dick 1. You got a hole in your head 2. If your jewish you get you scalp cut off 3. Your closest neighbour is a ass hole 4. Your best friend is a pussy 5. You shrivell up in water 6. Water comes out your head |
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HE KNOWS WOOD Sunday 15th April 2007 This guy bet his friend that he could tell any type of wood by smell. The friend took him up on it. First, he blindfolded him an d put a piece of oak. the guy said "Oak". This went on for a while, each time he was right. Then his friend motioned for his wife to come over, and take off her pants. He put his wife in front of the guy. He smelled it and requested that it be turned over. After a couple of minutes the guy said, "I know, it is the shithouse door off a tuna boat!" |
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HOW DO THEY MAKE Sunday 15th April 2007 A girl is waiting for the doctor to arrive. When he does he pulls on a pair of rubber gloves. The girl asks the doctor " how do they make rubber gloves? " The doctor says " they mold the rubber over the human hand. " At this the girl busts up laughing. The doctor says " whats so funny. " The girl says " I just wondered how they make condoms. " |
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THREE MEN Sunday 15th April 2007 A black man, a white man and a chinese man go to a gas station. The cashier said if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread. The black man said yes and fuck the dog and died. The cashier asked the white man if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread. The white mand said yes, fucked the dog, and died. The cashier asked the chinese man if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread. The chinese man said yes, fucked the dog and came back. The cashier asked how did you fuck my dog and live it had AIDS. The chinese man said me chinese, me real, me put condom on my dick! |
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JACK AND JILL Sunday 15th April 2007 Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, dropped his fly and asked Jill do ya wanna? Jill said yes and dropped her dress.They had a little fun.Silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son!!!!!! |
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PETEY Sunday 15th April 2007 There was a little boy named petey, he was playing football with his friends, when he accidetally threw the ball over a fence into a neighbors yard. A hot ass chic comes out, takes the ball, and throws it farther into her yard, then she says come in my yard, then he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says alright. then she says come in my house, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says ok, they go in the house, and she says come in my room, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says allright. They get in the room and she says take off your clothes, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy he says allright. When they are naked she says lay on my bed, he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says ok. then she gets on top of him, they are havin lots o' fun, then the dad comes in and says get off my daughter! and he says petey dont want to maybe tommorow. |
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RAKING Sunday 15th April 2007 Q: How Did The Blonde Break Her Leg While Raking? A: She Fell Out Of The Tree |
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SPARKLE Sunday 15th April 2007 Q: How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle? A: Shine a light in her ear |
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THE MONKEY Sunday 15th April 2007 a man walks in to a bar with a monkey the monkey started to eat the cherrys once all the cherrys were gone he sat there the man asked for a beer then the monkey jumps on a pool table and ate the cue ball and the bar tender said, "dude your monkey just ate that cue ball!" the man replys o well a week later he comes in agian and with the monkey agian the monkey picks up a cherry and sticks it up his but pulls it out and ate it the bar tender says, "your monkey just shoved the cherry up his but and ate it!!!!" the man replys after that cue ball came out he is testing everything before he eats it |
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PHONE CALL Sunday 15th April 2007 a blond woman wants to make a phone call, but she has no money. she goes to a call centre and asks if she could use the phone to call her mum. The operator says meet me out the back in 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she goes round the back and sees the operator, the operator pulls down his trousers and says go on then. the blond grabs his dick and says "HELLO MUM" |
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HEY MASTURBATER Sunday 15th April 2007 Hey Masturbater (To The Tune Of Macarena) Sitting in my house and I know that I'm alona, Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona, Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stona, Hey Masturbata!!! I go a little faster and it's feeling kind of nicea, Once is not enough so I have to do it twicea, If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea, Hey Masturbata!!! I use some baby oil or a little vaselina, Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana, Never shake my hand cos you don't know where its beena, Hey Masturbata!!! I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta, One hand on the wheel and the other on my meata, I can't get out the car cos I'm sticking to the seata, Hey Masturbata!!! Since I was a kid I have been a mastubater, Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata, I've looked at Miss November, now I'm gonna decorata, Hey Masturbata!!!! |
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ON THE JOB Sunday 15th April 2007 Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!" |
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HOW MANY WOMEN Sunday 15th April 2007 After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.." |
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STROLLING IN WALMART Sunday 15th April 2007 Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?" To which the first guy says, "Never mind; let's just look for yours." |
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TWENTY BUCKS Sunday 15th April 2007 A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face." |
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FIRM THIS UP Sunday 15th April 2007 One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother." |
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SLOGANS FOR SAFE SEX! Sunday 15th April 2007 21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it 8. If you think she's spunky cover your money 9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you're going into heat, package your meat 13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE! |
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TEDDY BEARS Sunday 15th April 2007 A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf." |
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WASHING MACHINE Sunday 15th April 2007 A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." |
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PAY CHECK Sunday 15th April 2007 what is the difference between a pay check and a penis? you don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay check! |
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QUICKIES Sunday 15th April 2007 1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. 2) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. 3) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. 4) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. 5) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 6) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. 7) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. 8) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut. 9) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?" 10) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!" 11) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went. |
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THE NEWLYWEDS Sunday 15th April 2007 A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to a bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long; I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie? Listen up jerk! Drink your goddamn beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, you aren't going anywhere! Got it, asshole?!?" And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? |
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HEAVENLY REWARD Sunday 15th April 2007 Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge." St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?" The guy replied, "24 years." St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive." The second guy got the same questions from Peter, to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on my wife only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln for you to drive." The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive." A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!" |
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SMART BLONDE Sunday 15th April 2007 A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25." |
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BOLNDE, BRUNETTE AND READHEAD Sunday 15th April 2007 A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are sitting in the waiting area of their obgyn. The three ladies start to chat it up and whether they will have a boy or a girl... The brunette: "I know I'm having a boy because I was on top!" The two others smile and... The redhead says: "I know I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom!" The brunette slightly giggles for a moment and suddenly she and the redhead look at the blonde and ask... "Why are you crying?" "I think I'm going to have a puppy!" |
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CAT,CANDY,BIKE Sunday 15th April 2007 A mom walks outside to see her son repeatedly poping candy in his mouth, biting the cat, and jumping on his bike. On his bike he goes around in a circle and repeats. The mom asks what he is doing. He says,"I am poping pills,eating pussy, and I keep on a trucking just like my daddy!" |
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"HONEY, I CAN'T PERFORM!" Sunday 15th April 2007 A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" |
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REFRIGERATOR MAN Sunday 15th April 2007 A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!'' ''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.'' ''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.'' |
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WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? Sunday 15th April 2007 Host: (Q) What is the color of hair on your wife's pussy? Contestant: (A) Can i call a friend? |
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TEACHING MATHS Sunday 15th April 2007 Q:how do you teach a blonde maths A: add a bed, minus her clothes, divide her legs, insert your square route, leave your solution and hope she doesnt multiply. |
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