UltraPasswords.com - Dirty Jokes Archive

The UltraPasswords.com Jokes Section

Blonde Jokes

TWO BLONDES IN THE W
Tuesday 8th May 2007
Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks in the dirt, the first blonde says, "Look at those bear tracks".

The second blonde says,"Those aren't bear tracks, those are deer tracks".

The first blonde says "No they're not, there bear tracks".

The second blonde argues back.

"No they're not, they're deer tracks."

Then, they both got hit by the train.

BLONDES WORKING ON A HOUSE
Monday 7th May 2007
Two blondes were working on a house. The one
who was nailing down siding would reach into
his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out
of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw
it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and
yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward
you aren't defective! They're for the other side
of the house!"

DUMB!
Sunday 6th May 2007
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next

TWINS
Saturday 5th May 2007
What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?

He wanted to know who the other man was.

BLONDE HIJACKER
Saturday 5th May 2007
Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed.

Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo."

Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo."

"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the wrong plane."

COMFORTABLE
Friday 4th May 2007
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch, where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, ''When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.''

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ''I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.''

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, '' It's just 99 cents a word.'' Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ''I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.''' The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''

HOW TO KILL A DUMB BLONDE
Friday 4th May 2007
Put a skrach and sniff at the bottom of the pool

A BAD DAY
Tuesday 1st May 2007
How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her cigarette!

BLONDE'S SURGERY
Monday 30th April 2007
When the surgeon came to see his young blonde female patient
on the day after her operation, she was slightly
embarrassed.

The doctor asked. "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long
will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

The doctor paused for a minute and appeared stunned. After
a few minutes, the doctor stated, "You're the first patient
to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

2 BLONDES AND A FIRE
Saturday 28th April 2007
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"

NEW BULL
Thursday 26th April 2007
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slowly."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

WHEAT FIELD
Thursday 26th April 2007
This blonde is driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.

She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.

When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field,
'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?'

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, 'Because it is an ocean of wheat.'

The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field,

'It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.'

The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and begins rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling,
'If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your arse.'

BORN THAT WAY
Tuesday 24th April 2007
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't.

They're born that way.

POOR DAD
Sunday 22nd April 2007
A BLONDE WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH CRYING.I WALKED UP TO HER AND ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS? SHE REPLIED; MY DAD JUST DIED. IM SO SORRY I SAID ;YOU NEED TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER ? SHE SAID YES AND I LET HER USE MY CELL PHONE. SHE CALLED HER SISTER AND AS SHE TALKED SHE BEGAN TO WEEP EVEN MORE. I ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG NOW? SHE SAID MY SISTERS DAD DIED TOO.

BLIND POLICEMAN
Friday 20th April 2007
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the
scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her
head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my
possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

DEATH IN THE FAMILY
Thursday 19th April 2007
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

"I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

KEEP A BLONDE BUSY
Sunday 15th April 2007
How do you keep a blonde busy?
(see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy?
(see above)

I WANT TO BUY THAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

BLONDE CAR ACCIDENT
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

ROWING YOUR BOAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

QUESTION AND ANSWER BLONDE JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

BOAT TROUBLES
Sunday 15th April 2007
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

I'M GOING ICE FISHING!
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

GUESS WHO KNOWS THE STATE CAPITALS?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLOND?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

DON'T GIVE US A BAD NAME
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I AM?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

YOUR KID HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

YOU'VE GOT MAIL
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

MAKE IT OFF THE ISLAND
Sunday 15th April 2007
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

BLONDES CHANGE A LIGHTBULB
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

ONE WISH TO EACH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.

WHAT TYPE OF PRIZE DID YOU WIN?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

HOW MANY SHEEP DO I HAVE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

I CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT THAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

SHORTAGE OF PARACHUTES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"

TURN BACK YOUR CAR ODOMETER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

MIND TELLING ME THE TIME?
Sunday 15th April 2007
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"

WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."

BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

FIRST EXPERIENCE HORSE RIDING
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

UNLOCKING YOUR CAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

BUYING DRINKS AT A BAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

DO YOU SEE THE DEAD BIRD?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

SLOT MACHINE WINNER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

I DESERVE A FIRST CLASS SEAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

HELPING A BLOND LOSE WEIGHT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

WANT ME TO PAINT FOR YOU?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

CLEAN THOSE RESTROOMS
Sunday 15th April 2007
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

THREE BLONDS ON DEATH ROW
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

BLOND MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

HOW TO GET ACROSS THE RIVER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.

HELPING AN OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

I WANT SOME MILK
Sunday 15th April 2007
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

BUYING A NEW FARM
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.

Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.

The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"

The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."

"Comfortable?" the guy questions.

"Yes, you see she reads slow."

MY BOOBS
Sunday 15th April 2007
(do this on your calculator.) one day there was a Blonde who thought her boobs were 2 2 big so she went to 37th street to building number 8 and talked to Dr. double 00. She left building number eight to find she was boobless. ( turn calculator upside down to see boobless)

THE BLONDE PILOT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting
she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the
planes were currently in use, the owner agreed
to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter
solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it
and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful,
and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying
how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor
watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning
to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as
she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over
and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't
know! Everything was going fine, but as I got
higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember
anything after I turned off the big fan."

THREE MEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
there were three men on a cliff and what ever they wished for it would come true. so the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes he was a bird so he could fly home. The second guy wished he was a dolphin so he could swim home then the last guy tripped over a rock, fell off the cliff and said OH CRAP!!!!!

MAGIC MIRROR
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a magic mirror at a bar and what ever you say it can't be a lie or you die. So a blonde, a red head, and a bernett walked in that bar. The red head walked up to the mirror and said im pretty so she didn't die, then the bernett walked up to the mirror and said im prettier and she didn't die and finally the blonde walked up to the mirror and sad I THINK and she died

AN OTHER BLONDE JOKE
Sunday 15th April 2007
An other blonde joke. A blonde, wanting to
earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a handyman type person and started canvassing
a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front
door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can
paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The
blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed
and told her that the paint and other materials
that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, "Does she realize that
the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing
on it." A short time later the blonde came to
the door to collect her money. "You're finished
already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket
for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus

IMAGINARY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Theres a smart blonde,toothfairy,honest politician,and a leprichan. They all spot a $100 bill. Who gets it? Noone they are all imaginary creatures.

MONEY
Sunday 15th April 2007
There is a smart blonde, tooth fairy,honest politician,the easter bunny,and a hobo. They all spot a $100 bill at the same time. Who gets it ? The hobo the rest are imaginary creatures.

HOW TO KILL A DOMB BLONDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
scatch and a sniff at the bodom of the pool.

HALF BLONDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
there was a blonde walking down the street.a fairy caught up with her and said she has three wishes but, every wish she makes every girl in the world gets twice as much. So the blonde wished for a million bucks. the fairy said okay but now every girl gets twice as much.then the blonde wished for two fancy cars. the fairy said okay but every girl gets twice as many. The fairy said you have one more wish. the blonde finally wished for half of her body gone. the fairy said you wish it i grant it.

SWEAT...SWEAT...SWE-WAIT! NO CAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a Russian, American, and a Blonde. They each had to be stranded on the desert but could pick one thing to be with them on while out there.
-The Russian brought a radio station so he could call for a pickup service and food\water.
-The American chsoe to bring a tent so he could have shelter from the shade.

-THE BLONDE chose to bring a car door, so she could roll the window down when it gets hot out.

DUMB BLONDE COMP.
Sunday 15th April 2007
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!!"

PLAYING TRIVIAL PURSUIT WITH A BLONDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she
landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is
it on or off?"

BLONDE BOMB
Sunday 15th April 2007
A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with
a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course
of the conversation he says would you like to
hear a 'blonde' joke ?

"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde,
I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training
in judo for the past 5 years."

Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My
flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall,
has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's
a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies'
Champion for the past 3 years.

Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde,
she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional
womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the
joke about a blonde ?"

"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got
to explain it 3 times".

1/2 SMART BLOND!
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blond is walking along when she meets a fairy. The fary says that she can have three wishes but what ever she wishes for every other blond get twice as much. The blond thinks this over and starts the 3 wishes...
The first wish was to get a realy hot, nice, guy. The fariy warns her that every other blond will get two but the blond knods to this. Next she wishes for $10 million and when the fairy warns her she knods again and says her last wish. She said "Beat me 1/2 to death" the fairy, reluctant at first does the wish and the blond live happely ever after!

DUMB BLOND
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was two dumb blonds that was walking down the street and they find a mirror and one of them picks it up and looks in it and says that face looks familiar. then the other blond takes it from her and says duh its me.

BLONDE SWIMMER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

BLONDE GETTING A HAIRCUT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"

BROKEN FINDER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"

"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"

The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

SMART BLONDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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Lusty Laughs, Sexy Toons, Fucking Funny, Crazy Comics.

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