UltraPasswords.com - Dirty Jokes Archive

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Dirty Jokes

COOKIE THE CAT'S RESOLUTIONS
Saturday 1st January 2011
5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in – and visa versa.

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

MINISKIRT
Saturday 1st January 2011
Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

Because their balls hang out!

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

BLONDE AT THE SUPERM
Friday 31st December 2010
Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

TRAVIS
Friday 31st December 2010
Q:what do travis and PS2 have in common?

A:they are both plastic and attract little kids.

$5 FOR A PENGUIN
Friday 31st December 2010
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

MODERN SCIENCE
Friday 31st December 2010
Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could
help to prevent herpes...

.. Must be a rubber tree...

DOCTORS V. GUN OWNERS
Thursday 30th December 2010
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!

BLONDE ON A PLANE
Thursday 30th December 2010
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.

She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.

The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach."

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.

The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.

All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.

The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?"

The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

BUCKWHEAT & DARLA
Thursday 30th December 2010
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

LAWYERS CAN'T ADD
Thursday 30th December 2010
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

BLONDES NEVER HAVE ICE
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

A: They forgot the recipe.

MONEY GRAM
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Once there was this guy from Texas who took a vacation to Los Angeles. While there, he met up with a hooker.

He got down & dirty with her.

Afterwards, the hooker said: "$100 dollars."

The guy said: "No, here is $200."

Hooker responded: "You're so kind."

Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same hooker again and had sex again.

Hooker asked for $100, but the guy again says: "No, here's $200."

Hooker says: "You're so kind."

More days pass, and the guy met up with the hooker one last time to have sex.

Hooker says: "$100, please."

The guy slaps her and hands her $200.

Hooker says: "Man, you're so kind. Where are you from?"

Guy says: "I'm from Texas."

The hooker says: "I am from there too."

The guy says: "I know, your mom sent me to give you $600."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

EARMUFFS
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Why do blondes wear earmuffs?

To avoid the draft.

WHY DO YOU WEAR YOUR COLLAR THAT WAY?
Tuesday 28th December 2010
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down
next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a
strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest
before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have
your shirt collar on
backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I
wear this collar because I am a Father."

The Jewish man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also
a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear
your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the
father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered "I too am the father of
many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many
grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone
else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and
then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and
hundreds of people."

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long
time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over
to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your
pants backwards."

KIDNAPPING
Tuesday 28th December 2010
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.

"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

BEST FEATURE
Tuesday 28th December 2010
Ryan rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Ryan breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I can hear someone coming."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag and they're 100% natural! My buns -- they are firm and do not sag and have no cellulite! Look at this skin -- no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming -- that was me."

AN AMAZING TALKING DOG
Tuesday 28th December 2010
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

BRIGHT IDEA
Monday 27th December 2010
On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.

The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.

Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."

Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."

Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"

"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.

"My Daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"

"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"

CLEANER UNHAPPY
Monday 27th December 2010
Why was the cleaner unhappy with his job?

Because he believed that grime didn't pay!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

BACK UP BOYS!
Monday 27th December 2010
Once there was a sperm named Bob.

When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.

One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there."

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't.

So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing

YOU SEEN YOUR WIFE?
Sunday 26th December 2010
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied.

"That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

CLINTON'S FAVORITE ROCK BAND
Sunday 26th December 2010
Q: What is Clinton's favorite rock band?

A: Cheap Trick.

UNION SHOP
Saturday 25th December 2010
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

DOCTOR VISIT
Saturday 25th December 2010
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone,
entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an
examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take
your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your
tongue."

SURPLIZE, SURPLIZE
Saturday 25th December 2010
Three guys, the American captain, an Australian and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked on an island.

On reaching shore, the American asks the Australian to find a good spot for a camp.

He turns to the Japanese guy and says to go into the bush and get supplies.

'I'll scout the island and we'll meet at the camp at dusk,' said the captain.

The captain returns to find the Australian has set up camp but the Japanese guy hadn't returned.

'Where's that Jap with the supplies?' said the captain.

The night passes and still there is no sign of the Jap with the supplies, so they go looking for him.

They scout the whole island but can't find him.

Just as they are returning to camp, the Jap jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, 'Surplize, surplize.'

BILL GATES IN HELL
Saturday 25th December 2010
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"

"Why the PC?", he continued ", "It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"

"Which three?" said Lucifer.

"Control, Alt and Delete!"

BLONDE SKELETON
Friday 24th December 2010
Q: What do you call a blonde's skeleton in a closet?

A: Last years hide-and-go-seek champion.

NURSE'S HELL
Friday 24th December 2010
A doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife.

Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.

Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.

Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, so he quickly shut the door.

After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.

Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps!

He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I'll take the third door!"

"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSE'S Hell!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

AROUND THE HOUSE
Friday 24th December 2010
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits A-R-O-U-N-D the house.

IS IT A SIN?
Friday 24th December 2010
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I
gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I
am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said,
"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a
mistake."

PREMATURE
Thursday 23rd December 2010
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes â€˜slap and tickleâ€™, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctorâ€™s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

TRAILER
Thursday 23rd December 2010
What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?

Nothing, you're gonna lose the trailer either way!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

HIGH IQ
Thursday 23rd December 2010
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor !

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

THE FAMILY
Wednesday 22nd December 2010
OK GET THIS. OK THERES A MOTHER,A FATHER,A SON,AND A DAUGHTER THAY WERE HAVING SOME GUESTS FOR DINNER THAT NITE THE FATHER TELLS THE SON TO GO GET A HOT DOG AND NOT TO GET CANDY SO THE LITTLE BOY IS AT THE CANDY STORE GOES UP TO THE CLERK AND SAYS"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"

THE CLERK SAYS"YES" AND HANDS HIM THE KNIFE THE SON SAID TO THE CLERK "DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?"

THE CLERK KNODS YES AND POINTS TO IT.THE BOY WENT IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE KNIFE AND CUTS OF HIS DICK GETS CANDY WITH THE MONEY GETS BACK TO THE HOUSE AND THE MOTHER ASKS THE DAUGHTER TO GO GET A PUSSY (CAT) AND TOLD HER NOT TO BUY ANY GLITER THE MOTHER GIVES HER MONEY THE DAUGHTER GOES TO THE GLITER SHOP AND ASKS THE CLERK"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"

THE CLERK SAYS "YES" AND HANDS IT TO HER THEN SHE ASKS "DO HAVE A BATHROOM?"

HE KNODES YES AND POINTS. SHE GOES IN AND CUTS OFF HER PUSSY GETS GLITER WITH THE MONEY BACK HOME THE DAD ASKS THE SON IF HE CAN GO GET MEAT BALLS AND TELLS HIM NOT TO BUY CANDY AND GIVES HIM MONEY HE GOES TO THE CANDY STORE AND WELL YOU ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPENS BACK HOME MOMS NOW MAKING DINNER ITS CHRISTMAS AND MOM GAVE SIS HER PRESENT (THE PUSSY) DAD GIVES BRO HIS PRESENT AND ITS CANDY LATER THAT NITE THAY STARTED EATING THERE FOOD I HOPE THAY GOT WHAT THAY WANTED. THE END

CATHOLIC MATH
Wednesday 22nd December 2010
This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since it's priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, he'll try him over there.

His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.

His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -"A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since that's your worse subject?"

" Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign - I knew they weren't mucking around!"

WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
Wednesday 22nd December 2010
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

REDNECK QUICKIES 30
Tuesday 21st December 2010
You might be a redneck if...

After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".

You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

Your grandmother stands up to pee.

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"

You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.

You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

A KIND LAWYER?
Tuesday 21st December 2010
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?"

, he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food."

, The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

MOTHER'S ADVICE
Tuesday 21st December 2010
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea.

The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

HI LADIES
Tuesday 21st December 2010
A young boy on his way home from school must pass a group of hookers.
Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say 'Hi there, little boy.'

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.

She replies, 'Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke.'

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, 'Hi there ladies!'

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME DOCTOR?
Monday 20th December 2010
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine
me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a
drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it."

"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30
every night . . . always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well,
do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is
on too tight."

NEW PREFIX
Monday 20th December 2010
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 32
Monday 20th December 2010
You might be a redneck if...

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You've ever shoplifted Spam.

You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

NEW CAMPBELLS SOUP
Monday 20th December 2010
Campbell Soup announced today they would be
stocking America's shelves with a new soup called "Clinton
soup." Named after a distinguished politician, it consists of
one small weenie in hot water.

BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 09
Sunday 19th December 2010
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

Always hire a rich attorney.

Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!

Ambiguity is invariant.

PAINT MY HOUSE
Sunday 19th December 2010
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

WET CAT
Sunday 19th December 2010
There was a cat and a rooster, and they were walking down the street.

The cat was the most beautiful cat in the world.

All of a sudden it stepped in a puddle and got wet.

The rooster started laughing, and even more roosters started going by the cat.

The moral of this story: Wherever there's a beautiful wet pussy, the cocks will come.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

MAN'S WORST NIGH
Saturday 18th December 2010
Q: What is a man's worst nightmare? A: A hooker with a chipped tooth & the hiccups.

GORILLA REMOVAL
Saturday 18th December 2010
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.

When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

NAIVE YOUNG GIRL
Saturday 18th December 2010
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco.

She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.

Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.

You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues."

"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"

"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"

KY JELLY PLEASURE
Friday 17th December 2010
My sister's boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, She smothered it all over the doorknobs... and he couldn't get back in.

PIG IN A BAR
Friday 17th December 2010
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

PUTTING OUT THE CAT
Friday 17th December 2010
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

LIMOS AND HEADLIGHTS
Friday 17th December 2010
One time there was a little boy who was really dirty. so the little boy asked his mom if he could take a shower with her. he begged and begged so his mother finally said ok! as long as he didn't look up or down. so when they got inthe shower, the little boy loked up and siad mommy what r those? the mother repied headlights! then he looked down and asked her what that was? she said that was the garage. ok the litle oy said. the next week the little boy was really dirty again but this time he took a shower with his dad. The dad said, You can as long as you don't look down . so the little boy looked down and asked what he named it? the limo said the dad! That night the litle boy had a bad dream, so he went into his parents room to see if he could sleep with them? they finally agreed to it as long as he didn't look under the covers. so after about 5 min. he looked under the covers and said mommy turn on your headlights open the garage daddys long stechy limo's commin in!

CROCODILE BOOTS
Thursday 16th December 2010
One day this blonde came into the hunting store. She asked the clerk, "What's the lowest price on the crocodile boots?"

The clerk responded, "Our best price is $200, if you want a pair any cheaper than that there is a lake down the road, maybe you can get a pair yourself down there."

So the blonde says, "Well O.K! I'll go down to the lake."

About 5 hours later the clerk is walking by the lake on his way home. He sees the blonde grabbing crocodiles out of the lake and then throwing them back in.

Amassed at this he walks closer… eventually coming close enough to hear her saying, "Damn it! No boots on this one either!"

JUMP
Thursday 16th December 2010
A young man joins the Army and signs up with the paratroopers.

He goes through training and finally goes to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he calls his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asks.

"Well, we got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. A dozen men got up and jumped!"

"Is that when you went?" asks the father.

"Not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asks the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else jumped, and I was the only man left. I told the sergeant that I was too scared. He told me to get out of the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me, but I grabbed the door and refused. Finally, he called over the jump master.
He's about six-foot-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?'

I said, 'Sir, I'm too scared.' So he pulled out a baseball bat and said, 'Either you jump or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.'"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

"So did you jump?" asks the father.

"Well, a little . . . at first."

THE NEW VIAGRA
Thursday 16th December 2010
The makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed
a pill to increase vaginal wetness in females. The new pill
will be called Niagra.

SEXUAL PROBLEMS
Thursday 16th December 2010
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.

"So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.

He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts.

He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other.

Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat.

Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us!

Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

PECKER
Wednesday 15th December 2010
A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty bummed out.

The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong.

The man replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful but isn't sure how to confront her about it.

The bartender replies, "Here's what you do, tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what it is. If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say's it's a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."

The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home to summon his wife.

As she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her what it is.

"Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife.

The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick."

His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

NEVER LOOK THERE
Wednesday 15th December 2010
Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raleigh, N.C. in the Ford Bronco?

He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

PLUGGED IN
Wednesday 15th December 2010
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.

He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young thing replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm, well, let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

ZOO TIME
Wednesday 15th December 2010
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me sir," says the young man "do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00" the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."

WANT TO GO INTO SPACE?
Tuesday 14th December 2010
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

BLONDE RESTROOM ATTENDANT
Tuesday 14th December 2010
Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?

A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

ITALIAN EXPREIENCE
Tuesday 14th December 2010
Italian New York Hotel Experience.....
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

MIX UP AT THE HOSPITAL
Tuesday 14th December 2010
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

BLONDES PLAYING GOLF
Monday 13th December 2010
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and
could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball
anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one
about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had
gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball
belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number
threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and
asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on
their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked,
"OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

DONKEY RAFFLE
Monday 13th December 2010
Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, just return my money to me," Kenny said.

"Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it."

"OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny.

"Whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny replied.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed.

"Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied.

BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 39
Monday 13th December 2010
The first time is for love, the next time is $200.

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

YO MAMMA SO FAT
Monday 13th December 2010
yo mamma so fat, when somebody told her to haul ass, it took 3 trips.

INSULT - SISTER
Sunday 12th December 2010
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment
in your sister.

-- Johnny Carson

HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?
Sunday 12th December 2010
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday
afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to
the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk
and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher
asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found
Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are
you sure this is where he fell in?"

INSURANCE MONEY
Sunday 12th December 2010
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled.

"Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

BOBS
Sunday 12th December 2010
Q. What do you call two gay guys named Bob?

A. Oral Roberts

LOST BLONDES
Saturday 11th December 2010
Two blondes walking through a thick forest became lost.
Trying to find their way out, they came across some tracks.
One blonds stated, "Those are deer tracks!" While the other
blonde said, "No. Those are moose tracks!" Well the two
argued and debated until the TRAIN hit them!

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