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Wednesday 2nd July 2008 |
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Put The Cat Out Wednesday 2nd July 2008 A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. |
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SENIOR SEX GUIDE Wednesday 2nd July 2008 Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you. |
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PEE HUMOR Wednesday 2nd July 2008 A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. |
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COCKTAIL WOMAN Wednesday 2nd July 2008 |
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SKI TRIP Wednesday 2nd July 2008 Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. |
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TERMS FOR FEMALE MASTURBATION Wednesday 2nd July 2008 |
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DEEP THOUGHTS 08 Tuesday 1st July 2008 To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head! Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up. |
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WHAT'S YOUR WIFE'S NAME? Monday 30th June 2008 St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here." |
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10 THINGS NOT TO SAY Monday 30th June 2008 Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents. 1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me. 2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? 3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head? 4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion. 7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. 8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? 9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too. 10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost. Submitted by Curtis Edited by BreeBrown |
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BUSH RUNNING MATE Monday 30th June 2008 Bush and His Running Mate Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle. For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns). Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to." Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage." For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before. |
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AIRPLANE TROUBLE Monday 30th June 2008 An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." |
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FLAT CHEST Sunday 29th June 2008 A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?" |
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CONFESSION BOOTH Sunday 29th June 2008 A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy- "I have a baseball." Man- "That's nice." Boy- "Want to buy it?" Man- "No, thanks." Boy- "My dad's outside." Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy- "Dark in here." Man- "Yes, it is." Boy- "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy- "$750." Man- "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again." |
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PUKEING DRUNK Sunday 29th June 2008 Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too." |
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THE WHOLE TRUTH Sunday 29th June 2008 At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!" Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug." |
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SHOOT IT Saturday 28th June 2008 How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike? If there is one around, you just want to shoot it! |
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LAWYER QUICKIES 5 Saturday 28th June 2008 Q: What do you call an honest lawyer? A: An impossibility. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? A: At least he wasn't a lawyer. Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers? A: You can learn to respect a pig. Q: What is the difference between baseball and law? A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand. Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. |
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THE SAME OLD QUESTIO Saturday 28th June 2008 The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?" Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions." |
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A LIST OF REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS Saturday 28th June 2008 Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods. Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern. Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick. Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. Cache - Needed when you go to da store. Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name. Terminal - Time to call da undertaker. Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital - The art of counting on your fingers. Diskette - A female Disco dancer. Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking. Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food. Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers. Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test. Rom - Where the pope lives. Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch. Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast. Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year. Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear. |
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FATTY Friday 27th June 2008 yo mamma's so fat that every time she turns around, it's her birthday. |
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MISPLACED HAND Friday 27th June 2008 I often get into trouble because I misplace things. Like the last time I was in a bar, I got a black eye because I misplaced my hand on a girl's knee. |
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BLONDE CARPENTERS Friday 27th June 2008 Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde noticed what she was doing and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second blonde got really excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They for the other side of the house!" |
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ROVER Friday 27th June 2008 How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts "Rover!" Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Yisman |
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FORMAL WEDDING Thursday 26th June 2008 Description of a formal redneck wedding. The bride's father carries a white shotgun, her brothers, uncles, neighbors and former lovers wear clean jeans and flannel shirts, polish their boots, remove their "hats" (caps)during the ceremony, spit out their tobacco or snuff, and fill up the tank of the groom's "pick-em-up" truck, after removing the "I love My Truck" bumper sticker. |
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WHAT'S GREEN AND SME Thursday 26th June 2008 what's green and smells of bacon? kermit the frogs fingers!! |
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THE RESCUE Thursday 26th June 2008 An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback....." |
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HEAD AND SHOULDERS Wednesday 25th June 2008 A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?" |
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A.M. RADIO Wednesday 25th June 2008 Did you hear about the blonde that just got an A.M. radio? It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. |
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SUCKING YOUR THUMB Wednesday 25th June 2008 A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb" |
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WHY ASK WHY 01 Wednesday 25th June 2008 Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? |
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HOW DO YOU SINK A SUBMARINE FULL OF BLONDES? Tuesday 24th June 2008 Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: You knock on the hatch. |
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ASSORTED 1 Tuesday 24th June 2008 What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive. What do UFOs and caring men have in common? You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself. Why is sex like a game of cards? Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky improves with age. Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it is unused. What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain? Divorced. Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef? He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry. Why don't women like basketball players as lovers? Because they always dribble before they shoot. Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex? He was destined to a life of DIY. What are the three types of men? The handsome, the caring and the majority. What's a man's ultimate embarrassment? Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose. What is a man? A life-support machine for a penis. What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is. What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking? Slow down. Why do men find it hard to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What should you do with your old mates after a good night in? Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin. What do you call a Spanish streaker? Senor Willy. |
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BILL TAKES A FLIGHT Tuesday 24th June 2008 A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane." "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack." |
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ACT OF GOD Tuesday 24th June 2008 There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. He went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!" Don't you just love little old ladies? Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo |
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LETTER FROM MEN TO WOMEN Monday 23rd June 2008 FROM MEN TO WOMEN
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STICK IT OUT Monday 23rd June 2008 Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year! Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Curtis |
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CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM Monday 23rd June 2008 Q: What's the Cuban national anthem? A: Row, Row, Row Your Boat. . . |
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LITTLE HOLES Monday 23rd June 2008 Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? From eating with forks. |
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SIGNS THAT YOU'R Sunday 22nd June 2008 1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!? 8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem. 9. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 10. You fall off the floor 11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive 14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!! 15. Roseanne looks good 16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass. 17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again. 18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. 19. You've fallen and can't get up. 20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. |
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SOTALLY TOBER Sunday 22nd June 2008 Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peep I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up. |
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TWO-BIT WHORE Sunday 22nd June 2008 A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!" |
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MEXICAN JUDO Sunday 22nd June 2008 There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town. The first Mexican says to the other, "Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back." The other Mexican replies, "I don't need to worry, because I know Mexican Judo." The first Mexican asks, "What's Mexican Judo?" The second says, "Ju don't know if I have a gun; Ju don't know if I have a knife. . ." |
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SO HOT IN WASHINGTON Saturday 21st June 2008 In fact, it was so hot in Washington, people were standing behind President Bush just to get the breeze from all the backpedaling. |
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NO UNDERWEAR Saturday 21st June 2008 A woman goes on a blind date that hadn't been all that great, she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants. Right there in the hall, he revealed that he wasn't wearing any underwear. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, but does it also come in men's sizes?" Submitted by Tantilazing Edited by Curti |
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THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS Saturday 21st June 2008 The first day after Christmas My true love and I had a fight And so I chopped the pear tree down And burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after Christmas I pulled on the old rubber gloves And very gently wrung the necks Of both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after Christmas My mother caught the croup I had to use the three French hens To make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after Christmas The six laying geese wouldn't lay So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned. The eighth day after Christmas Before they could suspect I bundled up the Eight maids-a-milking Nine ladies dancing Ten lords-a-leaping Eleven pipers piping Twelve drummers drumming And sent them back collect I wrote my true love "We are through, love!" And I said in so many words "Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!" Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree!" |
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TRYING TO QUIT Saturday 21st June 2008 Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit." |
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YOU GAVE ME CRABS! Friday 20th June 2008 One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10 Lobster?" |
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WHO IS GOING TO STOP ME? Friday 20th June 2008 Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." |
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BASEBALL HEAVEN Friday 20th June 2008 Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven. Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl. Earl said,"Bob is this you" Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?" Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news." Bob said, "Whats the good news?" Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great" Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?" Earl said, "Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!" |
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SHUTUP UR NEXT Friday 20th June 2008 one day a blonde suspects that her husband is cheating on her and so she goes to a gun shop and buys a revolver she goes home as fast as she can when she arivves she was right she saw her husband in bed with another woman she says how could you and points the gun to her head the husband says honey no!!!! she replys shut up your next |
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YOUR RIGHTS Thursday 19th June 2008 Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms! |
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MONICA'S BOOK TITLE Thursday 19th June 2008 By now, you know that Monica Lewinsky is set to make some big bucks writing a tell-all book. Here are some possible titles:
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NEW INTEL SLOGAN? Thursday 19th June 2008 New Intel Slogan: "Intel Inside - Idiot Outside" |
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YO MAMA IS SO GREASY Wednesday 18th June 2008 Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her |
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12 FEET DEEP Wednesday 18th June 2008 Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six? Because deep down they really are good people. |
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MARRIAGE QUOTES 09 Wednesday 18th June 2008 Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly |
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AIR HEADS Wednesday 18th June 2008 Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure. Go right ahead," says the Almighty. "OK," Jim says, "Why did you make women so pretty?" "So you would like them," God replies. "All right then," Jim nods, "but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?" "So you would LOVE them," God replies. Jim ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such air heads?" God replies, "So THEY would love YOU!" |
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JONNY DIG DEEPER Tuesday 17th June 2008 Jonny was being babysat and he was very boared! so the babysitter finally suggested to play a game of simmon says! ok said jonny! i'll be simmon you do as i ask!ok said te baby siter simmon says take off your shirt so she takes off her shirt simmon says to take off ur shoes so she took of her shoes simmon says take off ur socks so she takes off her socks simmon says take off your bra so she takes off her bra simmon says take off your underwear so she takes off her underwear simmon says have sex with me so she has sex with him then his parents come home to him having sex with the babysitter. the dad screams"Jonny Dig Deeper" and jonny says "i'm trying daddy i'm tring!" |
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EYE OF GRATITUDE Tuesday 17th June 2008 In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.' |
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DICTIONARY FOR WOMAN Tuesday 17th June 2008 Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Submitted by calamjo Edited by Curtis |
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AOL CAR Tuesday 17th June 2008 The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye." |
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TOO MUCH DRINK? Monday 16th June 2008 A man's been drinking in the bar alone for three hours straight, and the bartender is getting worried about him. He's downing whiskey sour after whiskey sour. Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, the bartender shakes his head and says, "Sir, I think you've had enough." The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says, "Wha - wha's that you shay?" The bartender swallows. "I said, I think you've had enough sir." The drunk points a finger.... "Lis - l-l-listen Jack, I been drrrrrinking for shirty-thix years and I have no idea when I've had enough... so h-how the h-hell should y-y-you?" |
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WHALE WATCHING Monday 16th June 2008 Yo mamma is so big. The people that live near her put up signs "Free Whale Watching!" |
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I DIDN'T GET ANY MONEY THIS TIME Monday 16th June 2008 A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!" |
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GREAT TO BE A WOMAN Monday 16th June 2008 Reason's why it's great to be a woman
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BLONDES & SEX Sunday 15th June 2008 Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. |
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FEMALE HORMONES IN B Sunday 15th June 2008 Two men were in a pub. One man said, ''Did you know that beer contains female hormones?'' The other man said, ''No! Is it true?'' ''Yes,'' said the first man. ''If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.'' |
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WILKINSONS RAZORS Sunday 15th June 2008 "Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons." "Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo." "I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted. "I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it." |
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SLOGANS FOR SAFE SEX! Sunday 15th June 2008 21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it 8. If you think she's spunky cover your money 9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you're going into heat, package your meat 13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE! |
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THE ONE MONTH DIAPER Saturday 14th June 2008 A blonde mother would not change her baby's diaper for one month because on the package it said, "Good for up to 20 pounds." |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 74 Saturday 14th June 2008 You might be a reneck if... You re-use dental floss to save money. You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store. Your homecoming basketball game was rained out. Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things." You've ever shot a mouse inside your home. You might be a redneck Jedi if... Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's. You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth. At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. |
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RELIGIOUS DEBATE Friday 13th June 2008 Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate. On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay." Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!" "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch." |
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PENNY FOR THOUGHTS Friday 13th June 2008 Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.
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COURT WITNESS Friday 13th June 2008 The prosecuting attorney had just called his first witness to the stand, an elderly woman. Approaching her, he asked, "Do you know me, Mrs. Jackson?" "I certainly do, Mr. Craine, since you were a small boy," she responded. "Actually, you've been a very big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and are a hypocrite. You think you're some big shot, when in reality you're nothing more than a paper-pusher. You bet I know you." Stunned and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jackson, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Yes, I do. In fact, I used to babysit Mr. Nelson when he was a small boy. He, too, has been a great disappointment to me. He not only has a drinking problem, but he's lazy and a bigot. His law practice has a reputation of being one of the shoddiest in town. Yes, I sure do know him." The judge immediately silenced the uproar in the courtroom and asked both counselors to approach the bench. Giving them both the evil eye, he said in a whisper, "If either of you dare ask her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt!" Submitted by calamjo Edited by Curtis |
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