The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that
new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"

"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of
your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you
there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police
Officer.

The little boy replied "Yes Sir".

"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.

"Yes", said the Officer.

"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.

"Yes he did!" said the officer.

"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the
dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"

The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"

The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"

So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.

When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"

The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"

The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.

"What's the matter?", his friends asked.

The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Bill
Clinton?!?!!"

Note to this joke: You can insert anyone's (male) name in
place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Gray Hair"

A senior
citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign
up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for
proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the
embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After
explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't
worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray
you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt
and

was soon signed up for his benefits.

Upon arriving
home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him,
smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You
would have qualified for disability too!"

An elderly couple decide to
celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their
honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in
the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next
morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the
nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty
years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which
he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging
in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.
The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The
next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss
the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's
being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't
kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good
fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on
it."

A. Go ask your mother!

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was
steaming. When he was finally brought before the local
magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me.
This town must be the asshole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be
what's passing through."

The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same
thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're
admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"

The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."

The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."

The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.
The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells
him to go home and think about it for a week and come back
and tell him.

The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his
first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't
believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to
a murder case!"

When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell,
"ding dong!"

A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.

When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked
what you were doing. You said you were moving!

A: Cash and Carry

A. Two blind lesbians in a fish market.