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Sunday 26th December 2010 |
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CHELSEA Monday 30th April 2007 Q: Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have a sister? A: Monica swallowed them. |
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IRAQI TV SCHEDULE Sunday 29th April 2007 Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule ************************************ MONDAYS: 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal" TUESDAYS: 8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror" 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right" 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer" WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 8:30 - "When Kurds Attack" 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah" 9:30 - "Just Shoot Me" 10:00 - "Veilwatch" THURSDAYS: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi" 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H" 9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses" 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads" 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy" FRIDAYS: 8:00 - "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot" 8:30 - "Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other" 9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Achmed's Creek 10:00 - "Matlock" |
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RUSH LIMBAUGH Wednesday 25th April 2007 Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the chauffeur says, "Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!" "Well, what did you say?!" cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. "Oh, I told them that I was Rush Limbaugh's chauffeur and I'd just killed the pig."
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BILL CLINTON'S VERSION OF THE OSCAR MAYER WIENER SONG Tuesday 17th April 2007 His baloney has a first name It's "I-did-not-inhale." His balony has a second name, It's "I-wasn't-getting-tail." Oh, He loves to sling it every day. The White House people all just saaaaaaaay . . . That Billy Clinton has-a-way, Of mak-ing bullshit sound o-kay. |
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MILITARY COMPUTER Tuesday 17th April 2007 World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR. |
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PRESIDENT'S BONUS Tuesday 17th April 2007 Washington pundits suggest that citizen concern over raising the president's salary to $400,000 is unnecessary. The extra $200,000 is coming from the Chinese. |
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QUESTION AND ANSWER CLINTON JOKES Sunday 15th April 2007 Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common? A: They both look like the work of a butcher. Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents? A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade. Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair? A: He won't pay her $300. Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? A: His face. Q: What is the Arkansas state flower? A: Gennifer. Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge. Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp? A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish. Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase. Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"? A: "Trust me." Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--He'll only promise "change." Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House! Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They've been having turkey for years. Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey. Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people! Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend. Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee--If No Recovery! Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A: They were dating the same girl in high school. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying. Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright. Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft. Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on. Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers. Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now? A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger. Q: What's a Clinton sandwich? A: Pure bologna piled high and deep. Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts. Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled? A: Now it's got two left wings. Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"? A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back. Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer. Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first? A: Who cares! Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces. Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved? A: The United States of America! Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school. Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly? A: Heredity. Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned! Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years. Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary! Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter! Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President! Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation. Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes? A: None. The democrats do that. Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that. Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark! Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals. Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in? A: A noose. Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs. Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia. Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup. Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence. Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged. Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea. Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected. Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin? Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control. Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken. Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame. Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he's sworn in. Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf? A: Depends on how many were photographed. Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick. Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass. Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton. Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two. Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course! Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern. Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke? A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home! Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!" Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft. Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Koresh only burned 85 people. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Some people still believe in David Koresh. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him. Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver? A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out. Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture. Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55. Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face? A: He is stupid! Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words. Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding. Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R. Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child? A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them. Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton. Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises. Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one. Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life? A: Grade six. Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee. Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect? A: Everything's $100. Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics. Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years. Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission. Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling. Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war. Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people. Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses. Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown. Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave". Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President. Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: "Good morning, Bill." Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party. Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict. Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb? A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers. Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family. Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army. Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household. Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks. Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up. Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it. Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar. Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White-out on the screen. Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out. Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device? A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side. Q: How is Bill like a character actor? A: When he shows character, he's acting. Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday? A: Summer Solstice. Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts? A: Change. Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla? A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song? A: "Over Here" Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death? A: He came dressed as a two-term president. Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected? A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood. Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism? A: Socialism is dead. Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone? A: A kidney stone is easier to pass. Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton? A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches. Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR? A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power. Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water? A: A water gate. Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?" A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle. Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common? A: They both dominate Bills. Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons? A: The Conners own their own home. Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate? A: No one died in Watergate. Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle? A: Oldielocks. Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy? A: We have not ruled out military force. Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund? A: A free stamp. Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton? A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton? A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured. Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days? A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun. Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike? A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? A: To attend D-Day celebrations. Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean? A: A man without a clue. Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war? A: He visited Oxford. Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher? A: No class and no principals. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket? A: A pickpocket snatches watches. Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo? A: They both have Bills that are losers. Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government? A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy. Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military? A: John Elway. Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president? A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing. Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford? A: They both became president without being elected. Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton? A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people. Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full? A: An optimist. Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty? A: Teddy Kennedy. Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination? A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish! Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth? A: He thought he was in a confessional. Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T? A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle. Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton? A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Bill Clinton. Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve? A: Clinton is dead from the neck up. Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located? A: The White House. Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat? A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money. Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton? A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it. Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby? A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust. Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton? A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken. Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation? A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime. Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday? A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present! Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign A: A snow job. Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes? A: No Job. Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark! Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had? A: Vice-president of the United States. Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice! Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common? A: Nothing . . . yet. Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements? A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks. Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy. |
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THE EXACT SAME ANSWER FOR EACH Sunday 15th April 2007 This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies. 1. Is the Pope catholic? 2. Does Windows have bugs? 3. Does Clinton lie? |
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ACRONYMS FOR CLINTON AND HIS ADMINSITRATION Sunday 15th April 2007 Clinton: (C)razed (L)ow-class (I)diot (N)ow (T)aking (O)ver (N)ation Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation Clinton: (C)learly (L)oose (I)nternal (N)avigation (T)echniques (O)ccupy (N)ever-Neverland Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation's (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies Gore: (G)ennifer's (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise Gore: (G)reatly (O)riented to (R)adical (E)cology Gore: (G)reat (O)ne (R)egulating (E)verything |
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DECODING THE SPEECHES OF BILL CLINTON Sunday 15th April 2007 Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added as the President's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important. All - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices to restore America's economic health. Ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking: legislating. Campaign promise - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne promise. Change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true meaning, "contribution". (noun) That portion of your income that will now be heading to Washington, As: The change we are asking for is necessary if we are to restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number one in the world. Contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington believes it can make better use of than you. This '90s term is designed to make you feel good while Uncle Sam picks your pocket. Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T word out loud, it's not politically correct). Courage - Ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard to personal safety or welfare. As: America had the courage to elect Bill Clinton as president. First lady - This term has been replaced by the title "co-president" Middle class - That portion of society whose range of income extends from the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy. Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class. Poor - What the middle class becomes after it makes its contribution. Sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to make your contribution. as: We must sacrifice for the good of all. Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens of these nations to see the effect. Spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be balanced by the appropriate spending cuts. We - You, me, us, them. As: You know we must sacrifice for the good of all. Since the president and congress are none of the above, they are not part of we. Wealthy - Anyone making $1.00 a year more than you (elected officials are exempt). This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the '80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations. Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people. |
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FIND OUT WHO IS IN CONTROL Sunday 15th April 2007 At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled. Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?" Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!" |
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HERE IS A FREE PUPPY Sunday 15th April 2007 The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing." The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats." Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats." The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now." Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?" She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open." |
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CANDIDATE CLINTON VS. PRESIDENT CLINTON Sunday 15th April 2007 Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000 Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000 President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000 Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush's policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush's policy on Haiti. Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992 "I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again....It starts with a tax cut on the middle class." Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992 "I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy." President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993 "From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that." President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993 "I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future...without asking more of you. And I've worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I can't." Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992 "The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the 'read my lips' promise in the first place. You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you." President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993 "We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances." |
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THE SEARCH FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE Sunday 15th April 2007 Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural ball. After looking around, Kirk says: "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down on this one." |
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THE PRESIDENTIAL WATCHES Sunday 15th April 2007 A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run . . ." He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . ." |
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HILLARY GOES TO HEAVEN Sunday 15th April 2007 Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can." So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes. When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?" St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth." Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?" St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery." Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?" St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan." |
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CLINTON'S WISH FOR WORLD PEACE Sunday 15th April 2007 Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out. Genie: Hi Bill. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish--it had better be easy if you want me to do it. Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that. Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier. Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world? Genie: World peace it is. |
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THE NEW MCCLINTON BURGER Sunday 15th April 2007 Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat. |
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BILL CLINTON'S HAIRCUT Sunday 15th April 2007 Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?" Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200. Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!" Christophe replied, "That makes us even." |
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WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT? Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station. As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him. Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President". Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President." |
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MAKE THE WORLD HAPPIER Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy." |
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THE DEVELOPMENT OF A NEW STAMP Sunday 15th April 2007 The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps. |
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VERY SHORT BOOKS IN THE MAKING Sunday 15th April 2007 These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to take up no more than half of a page. 1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement 2. Clinton Policies that actually save money 3. The Logic of the Politically Correct 4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked 5. Good Points of Clinton's Health Program 6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense 7. "The Submissive Woman" by Hillary Clinton. 8. Creating New Jobs in America - by Bill Clinton 9. "Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton. 10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy 11. "Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace 12. "Deep-Thinking Liberals" 13. "The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech" 14. "Why Political Correctness is not Censorship" 15. "The Merits of Gun Control" 16. "Feminists Worth Marrying" 17. "How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" by Socialists. 18. "To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton 19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton 20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton 21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill |
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THE ATTRIBUTES OF CLINTON'S HEALTH PLAN Sunday 15th April 2007 The Clinton Health Plan has the: 1. Simplicity of the IRS. 2. Results of rent control. 3. Efficiency of the Post Office. 4. The fringe benefits of higher taxes 5. Management success of national debt. 6. Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture. 7. Dependency of a weather forecaster. |
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HELPING THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Sunday 15th April 2007 One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theatre." |
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PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON VISITS PEARLY GATES Sunday 15th April 2007 President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on Earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." |
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LET'S VOTE ON THIS NOW Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket. Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six. |
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NICKNAMES OF BILL CLINTON AND HIS MASTER Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill Clinton Nicknames McPresident Dollar Bill The Bill we'll be paying for years Commander-in-thief Hillary Rodham the Great Pretender Willy the Weasel Hillary Clinton nicknames Wicked witch of the west wing Hilla the Hun Robbery Hillham |
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CLINTON AT THE MAY DAY PARADE Sunday 15th April 2007 The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked. "Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!" "But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused. "Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?" |
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WORRIES ABOUT EARLY MORNING JOGS Sunday 15th April 2007 The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it. |
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A NEW DOG AT THE WHITE HOUSE Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning. He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says "Mr. President, is that a new dog?" Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife." The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent trade." |
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THE FIERCE CIVIL WARS Sunday 15th April 2007 After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of diversity. |
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THE PUNISHMENTS IN HELL Sunday 15th April 2007 A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell. There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment." The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life." |
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WRITING A NEW POLICY THAT WILL CHANGE AMERICA Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to "save" America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole. Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we'll think about it." So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night's work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning. Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here's the deal. I'm giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won't pass it." "But what if I get a 12?" Bill asks. And Bob replies, "You get to roll again". |
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CLINTON'S MOST UNPOPULAR ACTION Sunday 15th April 2007 President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States. "Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing you've ever done was to be inaugurated as President. It's just been downhill from there." |
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THE VERY HIGH HEALTH CARE COSTS Sunday 15th April 2007 Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them. In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions. |
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PRESIDENT CARTER'S "FUNNY" JOKE Sunday 15th April 2007 In an interview with David Letterman, Carter passed along an anecdote of a translation problem in Japan. Carter was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke. He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered. After the speech, Carter wanted to meet the translator to ask him how he told the joke. Perhaps there is better way to tell the joke? When Carter asked how the joke had been told in Japanese, the translator responded, "I told them, 'President Carter has told a very funny joke. Please laugh now.'" |
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DEMOCRATS VERSUS REPUBLICANS Sunday 15th April 2007 1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out. 3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes. 4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs. 5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs. 6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is. 7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans. 8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. 9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats. 11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes. 12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall. 13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first. 14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 15. Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats. |
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THE TYPES OF COWS Sunday 15th April 2007 If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk. If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk. If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows. If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull. If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk. If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor. If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them. If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it. If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off. If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk. If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one. If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him. If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows. If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull. |
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FLAGS TELL US INFORMATION ABOUT OUR TAXES Sunday 15th April 2007 A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." |
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KING GEORGE THE THIRD'S RESPONSE TO THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE Sunday 15th April 2007 The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson, We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown |
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REPUBLICANS DEMOCRATS Sunday 15th April 2007 The difference between Republicans & Democrats A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars. |
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TRUE POLITICIAL STORY Sunday 15th April 2007 Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays. Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one." Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one." |
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WHAT IS ONE BILLION? Sunday 15th April 2007 According to a recent government publication ... A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury. |
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DEBATE MILITARY ISSUE Sunday 15th April 2007 I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick thinks the military exists "only to kill people" and says so at every chance he gets. Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and plans to make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly. A recent interchange went something like this: Rick: "'Military intelligence' is a contradiction in terms." Mike: "No more than 'civilian worker'." |
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WHAT DAY IS THAT DAY? Sunday 15th April 2007 My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?" My husband quickly answered, "Election day." The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President. The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?! |
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SHORT LAUGHS & QUIPS Sunday 15th April 2007 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money. ...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied. A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'." |
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FUNNY QUOTES FROM GORE Sunday 15th April 2007 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Al Gore "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Al Gore "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Al Gore "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Vice President Al Gore "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'" -- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." -- Vice President Al Gore "The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Al Gore "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97 "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Al Gore |
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MORE HILARIOUS AL GORE QUOTES AND BLUNDERS Sunday 15th April 2007 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat." -- Vice President Al Gore "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Al Gore "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996 "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Al Gore "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Al Gore "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Al Gore "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Al Gore "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Al Gore (Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?) "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Al Gore "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make." -- Vice President Al Gore |
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WILL OF AMERICANS Sunday 15th April 2007 Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning." Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington. The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me. So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?" The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately. The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?" "Yes, sir." "Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered. So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him. |
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BUSH SUES SANTA Sunday 15th April 2007 BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh. The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification." "There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats." Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing." Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for. The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said. Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly." A weary nation can relate. |
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GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS Sunday 15th April 2007 Top George Bush Slogans
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BUSH RUNNING MATE Sunday 15th April 2007 Bush and His Running Mate Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle. For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns). Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to." Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage." For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before. |
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PRESIDENT PRECEDENT Sunday 15th April 2007 Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent* ... BAD *PRECEDENT: Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?" Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again." ... BAD *PRESIDENT: Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear - "I do solemonemoney swear..." - that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States - "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..." - and will to the best of my ability - "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..." - preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States - "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America." - So help me God. - "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?" |
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RESEARCH BUSH Sunday 15th April 2007 A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin. G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call. He was half-asleep when he answered the phone. Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey GW Bush: Questions? No political questions. Reseacher: Political, sir? GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling? Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask -- GW Bush: What is this about? Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI. GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing? |
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ENTERTAIN GUESTS Sunday 15th April 2007 After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music." "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..." |
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STUCK IN A PLANE Sunday 15th April 2007 George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. "Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!" Ground control receives the call for help and answers back: "Your dad?" "He left me here! Took the parachute!" "Sir, your dad?" "He's the pilot! Gosh!" "Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!" |
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PLANE'S TERRORIST Sunday 15th April 2007 A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!" |
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CHASED BY A BEAR Sunday 15th April 2007 George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh. Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer. They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape. "You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear." "I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear. "Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase. "Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern." "George!" G. W's mama says. G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard. His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed. "Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles. But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!" |
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PEOPLE ARE STUPID Sunday 15th April 2007 George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid." "No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead." |
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HOYA Sunday 15th April 2007 It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya." |
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DIVERT YOUR COURSE Sunday 15th April 2007 This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call! |
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THE CLINTON TRAGEDY Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
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PRESIDENTIAL COINCIDENCE? Sunday 15th April 2007 Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe. |
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD - REVIEWED Sunday 15th April 2007 Subject: Chickens!!!! "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?" L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told! Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Ronald Reagan: What chicken? Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York. Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Bill Gates: I have just released "Chicken Coop 98", which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Bill Clinton (also, again): Define "cross." |
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A RUSSIAN VISITS DENNY'S RESTAURANT Sunday 15th April 2007 More American Observations by Yakov Smirnoff Because there are so many restaurants in the Unites States, you'll have to be selective. The very first American restaurant I visited was Denny's. We didn't have Denny's in Russia--thank God! What a strange place. When I want in to be seated, the hostess asked me, "How many in your party?" I said, "Two million.". She gave me a corner booth. You may start to wonder about some of the people who work there. They all seem to look the same. I was curious to know if, to hire someone there, they require a three pimple minimum. The hardest thing to get used to is the service they give. I ordered a hamburger in one place and the waiter asked me if I wanted him to "hold my pickle". I said, "No, thanks, not while I'm eating." Then he asked if he could "toast my buns." When he offered me some "secret sauce", I decided to take my meal "to go". When he said he was going to put it in a doggie bag, I just stuffed the food in my pocket and left. |
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INMATES RUNNING THE ASYLUM? Sunday 15th April 2007 Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have been arrested for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are current defendants in lawsuits *In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum? |
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WHO SAID THAT? Sunday 15th April 2007 It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade. The teacher (Dr. Fox) greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" He saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people for the people shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As he turned to write something on the blackboard, he heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japs." "Who said that?" he demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up". Teacher says "Who said that?". Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,1991". Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? well suck my dick" Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997". |
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NYPD FBI AND CIA Sunday 15th April 2007 The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
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CLINTON'S CLOCK Sunday 15th April 2007 One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?" he says "Soon, I have some things to take care of." so St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?" St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes. Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."
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HOW TO CHOOSE A POLITICAL PARTY Sunday 15th April 2007 During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican. Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition. "That's it?" said the exasperated neighbor. "What if your father and grandfather had been horse thieves?" "Well..." Joe replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you." |
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WRITING IN THE SNOW Sunday 15th April 2007 Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is ticked. He storms into the Secret Service compound and yells, "There's a death threat on the front lawn! And it's written in urine!
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TERMS FOR PENIS Sunday 15th April 2007 The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth. |
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CALIFORNIA DRIVERS LICENSE TEST Sunday 15th April 2007 LA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION: Name:______________ Stage name:________________ Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________ Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: __________________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times: a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving. TEST If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime; b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase; c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through; d) Call your therapist; e) None of the above (South Central residents only). In the event of an earthquake, should you: a) stop your car, b) keep driving and hope for the best, c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4? In the instance of rain, you should: a) never drive over 5 MPH, b) drive twice as fast as usual, or c) you're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____. Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac; b) Zovirax; c) Lithium; d) Zanax; e) Valium. If none, please explain: __________________. Length of daily commute: a) 1 hour; b) 2 hours; c) 3 hours; d) 4 hours or more. When stopped by police, should you a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready, b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405, c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit? ******************** Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bulletproof virtual window on your left. |
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