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I SAW YOU F**CKING Sunday 6th May 2007 One Alabama neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, last night I saw you f**king your wife." Joe responds, "The joke's on you Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday." Submitted by Curtis Edited by Yisman |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 27 Sunday 29th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You take a fishing pole to Sea World. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. You list your parole officer as a reference. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 22 Saturday 28th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!" You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. |
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REDNECK QUICKIES 17 Wednesday 25th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You've never paid for a haircut. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood". You've ever made change in the offering plate. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... You own at least 20 baseball hats. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. |
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HOW TO KNOW WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM Monday 16th April 2007 One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California With gun in lap: L.A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 16 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You've never paid for a haircut. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood". |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 02 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You've ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 04 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 05 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog. You're an expert on worm beds. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!" Your family tree does not fork. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. You haul more than U-Haul. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!" There is a gun rack on your bicycle. Your wedding was held in the delivery room. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 06 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You've ever financed a tattoo. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 07 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You go to the family reunion to pick up women. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 08 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. Birds are attracted to your beard. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 09 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Bikers back down from your momma. You were shooting pool when your kids were born. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 11 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You've ever bought a used cap. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 12 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 14 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Red Man sends you a Christmas card. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?) |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 15 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You mow your lawn and find a car. You can spit without opening your mouth. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 17 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You've ever made change in the offering plate. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve. You own at least 20 baseball hats. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. Your screen door has no screen. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..." |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 18 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 20 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house The ASPCA raids your kitchen. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 21 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story) The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it). You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 24 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... On stag night, you take a real deer. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. Your back porch is bigger than your house. There is more oil in your cap than in your car. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. Your secret family recipe is illegal. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 25 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. You think cur is a breed of dog. People hear your car long before they see it. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 26 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat". You've ever hitchhiked naked. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 28 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard. You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 29 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny. Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket. You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck. You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work. The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children. The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out. You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law. Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest. Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional". |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 32 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck. You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape. You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes. You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek. It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth. You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law. You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store. You've ever shoplifted Spam. You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy. Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 34 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it. When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty. You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal. You use a pig for a garbage disposal. You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap. You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O. You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower. Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps. You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license. You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 35 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month. A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater. You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it. You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet. You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill. You shot your own 12 point coat rack. You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack. The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q. Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet. You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 36 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower. You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass. On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary. You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again. You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart. You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race. Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel. You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 37 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed." You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed. You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark. Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker. After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz". You have a bowling machine in your kitchen. You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom. The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 38 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?" You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks. In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!" You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you. You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend". You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you. You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece. You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest. Your lips move while reading a stop sign. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 39 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... One of the options on your truck is a spitoon. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this." You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 40 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. One of your kids was born on a pool table. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 41 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. Your screen door has no screen. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 42 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..." Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 43 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 44 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house The ASPCA raids your kitchen. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 45 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 46 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 47 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!" You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..." You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You bring your dog to work with you. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 48 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa. Your masseuse uses lard. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. On stag night, you take a real deer. Your back porch is bigger than your house. There is more oil in your cap than in your car. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 49 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. Your secret family recipe is illegal. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 50 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You think cur is a breed of dog. People hear your car long before they see it. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat". You've ever hitchhiked naked. You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 52 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You list your parole officer as a reference. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 53 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a redneck if... You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard. You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over. You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny. Your house has a kickstand. You drive around a parking lot for fun. Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa". You have to duct tape your gloves on. You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun. Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull. You think that Marlboro is a cologne. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 54 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... Your best coat is a black and red checkered. You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down. You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair. You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive. You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance. You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name. You've ever been given a gun as a present. Flannel is your favorite color. You or one of your relatives is named Cletus. Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 58 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool. Your pickup truck no longer has a back. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day. The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills." Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 59 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits. You think Tang is in the fruit group. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's. You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer. You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy. The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 60 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names. You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together. People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale. You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, " I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today." Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it. You think the internet is a new fishing tool. There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it. Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar. You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world. Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 61 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials). Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper. The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?) Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case". You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy. You don't know what a redneck is. You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard". You thought ER was ET's cousin. You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars. You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 62 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You've ever been stuck in your own driveway. You refer to your dog as the dishwasher. Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color. You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot. You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard". You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard". You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues. You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel. You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels. Your idea of a fancy dessert is "moon pie ala mode". |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 64 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal. Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, and you like it. Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours. When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it. You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal. Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds. You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong. You *have* a clawfoot bathtub. You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'. You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 65 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite. Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away. You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary. You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are. Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts. You think a computer hacker carries an axe. You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case". You've given your gun a woman's name. Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools. You go to the post office to research your family tree. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 66 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can. You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can. Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up. You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'. You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter. Your mother is hairier than your father. Instead of flossing you use a plunger. You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way. When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again. Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 68 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You can chew your own toenails. You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans. You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday. Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles. You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty. You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn't spit it out. Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap. You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger. Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test. Your mama has more tattoos than you do. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 69 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator. Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust. The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y. You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o. Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't. You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples. Your whole family sleeps in the same bed. You consider your annual bath one too many. You wore a baseball cap to the opera. If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse. If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 70 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present. Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife. Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer. You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it. You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic. You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds. You save old kitchen appliances for target practice. You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents. You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment. Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 71 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground. Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side. You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen. You only bathe when it rains. You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music. You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia. You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts. You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party. You think 'possum is the "other white meat". Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 72 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers. You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne. You put a Clapper on your headlights. You need a dictionary to spell your name. You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off. People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant. Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle. You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun. You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks. The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 74 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You re-use dental floss to save money. You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store. Your homecoming basketball game was rained out. Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things." You've ever shot a mouse inside your home. You might be a redneck Jedi if... Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's. You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth. At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 75 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken". You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 77 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat you. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 78 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern. Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers. Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps. Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string. Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar. Your Gynecologist is Ernest. Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig. The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass. Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw. |
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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 79 Sunday 15th April 2007 You might be a reneck if... You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's ears. Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel. You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack. You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow. The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens. Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof. |
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THE REDNECK TRUCKERS Sunday 15th April 2007 Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes. The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ? About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up. "I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?" Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!" |
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REDNECKS FLYING HOME Sunday 15th April 2007 Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!" |
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REDNECKS GO FISHING Sunday 15th April 2007 Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" |
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A REDNECK OIL CHANGE Sunday 15th April 2007 The Redneck Oil Change Checklist 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss and complain. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Test drive car 41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 42. Car gets impounded. 43. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337 |
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A REDNECK GETS SHOT Sunday 15th April 2007 At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'" |
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A DRIVING APPLICATION Sunday 15th April 2007 Redneck Driver's ApplicationPlez compleet this paper, best ya can.Last name: ________________First name:[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann SueAge: ____ (if unsure, guess)Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]NoneShoe Size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation:[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty PoliticianSpouse's Name: __________________________2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________Lover's Name: __________________________2nd Lover's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse:[_] Sister [_] Aunt[_] Brother [_] Uncle[_] Mother [_] Son[_] Father [_] Daughter[_] Cousin [_] PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number of children living in shed: ___Number of children that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________Father's Name: _______________________Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)If you obtained a higher education what was yourmajor?[_] 5th grade [_] 6th gradeDo you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?Vehicles you own and where you keep them:___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksAge you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are youare still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck ____ kitchen____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse____ shed ____ pawnshopModel and year of your pickup: _________ 194_Do you have a gun rack?[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:[_] Weekly[_] Monthly[_] Not ApplicableHow many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___Color of teeth:[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow[_] Brown [_] Black[_] N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:[_] Red-Man [_] SkoalHow far is your home from a paved road?[_] 1 mile[_] 2 miles[_] don't know |
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN... Sunday 15th April 2007 YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN... 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." 6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this." 8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 10. Your junior prom had a daycare. 11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines." 12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. 14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 15. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. 19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor. 21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip onthe side.... 22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart... 23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working R.V... 24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler... 25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table... 26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart... 27. If your neighbours think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home... 28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement... 29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher 30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?" 31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty... 32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph... 33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is... 34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate... 35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish. 36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are not funny. |
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2 HUNTERS Sunday 15th April 2007 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" |
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COW PAT LIP GLOSS Sunday 15th April 2007 An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister, " said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em." |
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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS Sunday 15th April 2007 Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas" 12 pack of Bud 11 rasslin tickets 10 Copenhagen 9 years probation 8 table dancers 7 pack of Redman 6 cans of spam 5 FLANNEL SHIRTS.... 4 big mo tires 3 shotgun shells 2 hunting dogs and parts to a Mustang GT... |
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